


Too Much, Too Soon

by ESawyer



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Kevin Price, Divorce, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, Sexual Content, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25094194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ESawyer/pseuds/ESawyer
Summary: “I think you were one of the first people to ever really care about me,” Kevin said, “and that was...it was confusing when you didn’t use anything against me. Not my religion or the fact that I don’t do feelings well or - or anything and I thought that you were the only person in the world for me and-”“I’m not?” Connor said.Kevin should have probably known that getting married after a whirlwind 9 month romance wouldn't work out. Now, he just has to try and rebuild his life and move on.
Relationships: Arnold Cunningham/Nabulungi Hatimbi, Elder "Connor" McKinley/Kevin Price, Elder Church/Elder Thomas (Book of Mormon Musical), Kevin Price/Other(s)
Comments: 94
Kudos: 56





	1. Running Blind

At 18 years old, Kevin Price didn’t know who he was, but he knew who he was meant to be.

He was meant to be loyal to his Church and his family. He was meant to drive his younger sister, Grace, to and from dance practice and make sure that his younger brother, Jack, was behaving when they were in Church (he almost always wasn’t). He was meant to get straight As in all of his classes (which he did), volunteer at an animal shelter when he wasn’t working a terrible minimum wage job at Target and be the most supportive little brother by helping his eldest brother plan his wedding - which was extremely boring, because Kevin couldn’t bring himself to care about the colour of the ties. 

Strangely enough, it was at Target that Kevin began to realise things about himself. It was actually in the parking lot of said Target that he had his first kiss - with a _boy._

Kevin had first got to know Brad Copeland when they were 16; one of the few non-Mormons at his school and someone who had always known exactly who he was and where he was going. He had told Kevin exactly who he was when he had been showing Kevin around on his first day of the job. 

“I’m going to cosmetology school once I finish High School,” Brad cheerfully told him, “I’m also gay, if you didn’t work that out from, you know...” he gestured vaguely to himself. 

“Uh, yeah,” Kevin said awkwardly, “Anyway, um...the - the cash registers...” 

It had scared Kevin at first, seeing someone so openly themselves, but then he had started to relax around him. Hesitantly whispering that _yeah, that customer is cute_ , even when the customer in question was a boy and actually letting Brad practice by painting his nails (though the varnish was swiftly removed before Kevin went home). 

And he supposed that’s how he ended up with having a boyfriend without even realising that he had a boyfriend. (Deep down, Kevin knew that there was nothing platonic about anything that he and Brad did together, but he had never really been one to dive deep into his feelings). 

Brad was the only person who really understood Kevin, probably much better than he understood himself. He knew things about Kevin that no one else did; he knew that he liked to be the little spoon and that he didn’t really understand the scripture that he was so good at mindlessly repeating. 

And being Catholic, Brad wasn’t much help when Kevin tried to work out why Joseph Smith didn’t just show everyone the golden plates and stop people questioning if he was telling the truth or not. 

“Maybe they were too heavy for him to pick up,” Brad suggested. 

“What?” Kevin asked, turning around on his desk chair to stare at him, half confused at what he had just said, and half confused as to why he was curled up in his bed like he was in his own house. Not that Kevin really minded him being in his bed, he was just more concerned about the fact that he was meant to be applying to cosmetology schools and was very obviously not doing that. 

Brad shrugged and pulled Kevin’s blanket tighter around him, “I’m Catholic, I’m still trying to work out how the Holy Spirit wrote the Bible. I thought it wasn’t a physical thing.” 

Kevin snorted, “When was the last time you went to Church?” 

“I dunno, I think when my Grandma died when I was like 10?” 

“It’s been 8 years!” 

“At least one of us can do math,” 

Kevin tutted and turned back to his Book of Mormon, clicking his pen. He was having one of those days where he couldn’t focus on what he was reading because he was far too distracted by the boy in his bed - and for _all_ the wrong reasons. 

“I’m going to break your hand!” Brad exclaimed, “stop clicking your damn pen,” 

“Dang,” Kevin corrected, standing up from his chair and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

Brad rolled his eyes and tugged on Kevin’s arm a little, “When are your family going to be home?” 

“Two or three hours probably,” Kevin said, tugging his arm out of Brad’s grip in favour of taking his hand. 

“So, come cuddle me,” Brad said. 

“Needy,” Kevin mumbled, curling up next to him anyway. 

Brad laughed and slid his arms around Kevin’s middle, pulling him closer. Kevin closed his eyes against the shouting in his head that was telling him he was going to Hell and tried to stay in the moment; the gentle puffs of Brad’s breath blowing through his hair, the hands running up and down his back and the fact that, for a short time, he could let go and be who he wanted to be, no matter how much it scared him. 

“I’m really glad you’re my boyfriend, Kevin,” 

Kevin’s eyes shot open and he looked up at Brad, his heart suddenly beating uncontrollably fast. 

“B-Boyfriend?” Kevin said, “I’m your _boyfriend?_ ” 

“We make out all the time,” Brad said with a giggle, “and you literally took me out on a date last week. Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but we're currently cuddling," 

Kevin smiled and closed his eyes again; the shouting in his head had just gotten that little bit louder, but he could still just about block it out and focus on Brad tangling their legs together and him pressing a kiss to his temple. 

“You know, my brother is getting married in like six months,” Kevin muttered. 

“I know,” Brad said, “Getting married at 22 is a bit much, isn’t it?” 

Kevin shrugged, “I don’t know, that’s probably when I’ll get married,” 

Brad pulled back slightly and looked down at him, a small smile playing on his lips, “What, you think it’s going to be legal then?” 

Kevin frowned and wiggled out of Brad’s arms, sitting back against the headboard. 

“It’s already legal?” Kevin said. 

“No, it isn’t,” Brad said, talking very slowly, “It’s illegal for two men to get married, Kev. Gay marriage isn’t a thing,” 

Kevin scoffed and rolled his eyes, “I’m not gay,” 

“No, I know you’re bi, but I think it’s still called a gay wedding even if-” 

“I’m straight,” Kevin said firmly.

“Straight?” Brad laughed, “In what world are _you_ straight?” 

“I can’t be gay or bi,” 

“Gay marriage being illegal doesn’t make being gay illegal, Kev,” 

“I’m LDS! It might as well be!” Kevin snapped. 

“You know there’s more to you than being LDS, right?” 

“No, there isn’t,” Kevin said firmly, “but I don’t need to be more. I’m already enough as it is. Heavenly Father will reward me in the afterlife when I get to live with my eternal family,” 

“So you can’t be gay but you can act like you’re my boyfriend?” Brad asked furiously, “I get that we can’t be out to your parents, but we can be out to each other, can’t we?” 

Kevin jumped up out of bed and shook his head, “You don’t get it!” 

“Whatever, Kev,” Brad snapped, shoving past him and slamming the door shut behind it. 

Kevin stared at the space that Brad had been lying in moments before until the reality of what he was doing clicked into place. He snatched his phone off the bed and deleted Brad’s number. He sat back down at his desk and ripped open his Book of Mormon, flicking through to the verse that always made him feel better when he felt like God was actually going to smite him. 

_“But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness with intent, they were forgiven,”_

* * *

Five months later, Kevin was at the MTC. And whilst Kevin Price had not forgotten about Brad Copeland, Elder Price certainly had.

Elder Price was a good, upstanding Mormon and whilst he might have had the personality of a brick wall and struggled to hold conversations about anything other than being LDS, he was better than the person Kevin Price really wanted to be - the person he secretly was. 

But it didn’t matter who Kevin Price _wanted_ to be, because Elder Price was who he _needed_ to be. All of the Elders of District 9 saw him as the person who he was meant to be - the one who was going to turn the district around, and being that person was more important than being than giving in to his own sinful thoughts. 

It was only when his title was ripped away from him that he was forced to confront Kevin Price, whoever that really was. And despite the fact that he no longer had to prove himself to his parents or the mission president, he couldn’t let go of Elder Price. Even after the excommunication, no one helped him down from the pedestal that they had put them on.

Nobody but _Elder McKinley_ , that was. 

Elder Price found Elder McKinley peculiar. 

Kevin Price found Connor McKinley peculiar. 

Kevin Price found Connor McKinley in the same way that he had found Brad peculiar. 

There was something about him that made Kevin feel strange, he just couldn’t work out what. All he knew was that, for some reason, he wanted to spend as much time with the district leader as possible. Maybe it was because Connor was the first person in Uganda to try and get to know him, but _really_ get to know him; he wanted to know exactly why he loved Disney so much, why he had to have his toast cut in a particular way, why he liked his coffee black but with an unhealthy amount of sugar and why when he napped in the living room, he _had_ to cuddle a cushion or he’d never fall asleep. 

Or maybe it was because Kevin thought that he was nice to look at. 

He didn’t think that he had a type, Brad and Connor both looked completely different, after all; Brad was tall and skinny, and Connor was tall and strangely well built (not that Kevin paid that much attention to his arms), and where Brad’s hair was dirty blond, Connor’s was bright red and very nice to look at (not that he stared that much). 

Jack had asked him what his type was once, and he had just shrugged and said that it wasn’t something he had ever thought about. When Jack tutted and told him to think about it, Kevin had shrugged again and said that he liked people who were nice. 

“That’s gay,” was what Jack had said in response, and Kevin went to his bedroom and prayed for five hours 

And if ‘nice’ was his type, Connor was definitely his type. The only problem was that Connor was a boy, and Kevin wasn’t meant to like boys. Liking one boy didn’t mean that he was gay, though. It just meant that he liked one boy. Arnold, on the other hand, was convinced that this made him gay. 

“Have you ever had a crush on a girl?” he asked one day when they were sitting in a rare bit of shade. 

Kevin frowned and nodded. He’d always known that he’d been attracted to girls and as far as he knew, that made him very much straight. It was his terrible habit of finding boys attractive that kept him up at night. 

“Have you ever had a crush on a boy before?” 

Kevin felt his cheeks flush and he shook his head. He was already going to Hell, what was one more lie going to do to him? 

“No. I’ve never had a crush. I just - Connor’s nice,” 

“I think that makes you a bit gay, buddy,” 

“Do I - I have to be gay?” Kevin asked quietly, “Can I not just like him?” 

Arnold shrugged, "I think it makes you bisexual. I don't know, I've never really thought about it," 

So Kevin decided that it didn’t matter if he was straight or gay or anything in between, because he only liked Connor. As far as he was concerned, he didn’t have to be _anything._ He didn’t need to justify his crush on Connor with a label, he was allowed to have a crush as long as he didn’t act upon it. 

And he didn’t act upon it, even on the days when Connor was looking particularly cute and they were spending time alone together because Elder Thomas was always conveniently busy when Kevin and Connor weren’t. Arnold said that Elder Thomas was doing that on purpose, Kevin wasn’t sure why anyone would purposely pick up more chores. 

One day, he and Connor were sitting by the lake, letting the water wash over their feet. Kevin kicked a scary looking fish away from him, and then looked over at Connor. 

“I’m confused,” he announced. 

“Okay...” Connor said slowly, “What are you confused about?”

“Why did Elder Thomas offer to do more jobs today? He pretended to die yesterday when you asked him to clean the dishes,” 

“I, uh...I thought I was being obvious,” Connor mumbled, his cheeks turning red. 

“Being obvious about what?” Kevin asked. 

“Well, I - um...” Connor cleared his throat, “I really like you, Kevin,” 

“Oh,” Kevin said, worried that it had been something more sinister, “I like you, too,” 

Connor’s neck snapped around so fast that Kevin was momentarily concerned that he had broken it until Connor’s hand was resting on top of his. Kevin stared down at their hands and then looked back up at Connor. He and Brad had held hands a lot, but he wasn’t sure if this meant anything - he hadn’t even known that Brad holding his hand had meant anything until it was too late. 

“Can I kiss you?” Connor asked quietly, putting his other hand on his cheek. 

Kevin raised his eyebrows, he hadn’t kissed anyone since his boyfriend who he hadn’t even realised was his boyfriend had broken up with him. Connor’s hand dropped from his cheek and onto his shoulder, his thumb rubbing circles into the place where his shoulder met his neck. 

“I’m not gay,” Kevin blurted. 

Connor frowned, “Okay, but I - I thought you said that you liked me?” 

“I do,” Kevin said, “but that doesn’t make me gay, does it? Is it not enough to just want to kiss you?”

And it was more than enough, until it wasn’t. 

Real life in America was a lot different to real life in Uganda. In Uganda, they lived in their little bubble where the future still seemed so far away. Talking about their future - college, marriage, children, dream jobs - was a lot different to actually living it. 

And as terrified as he was when Connor dropped down onto one knee in front of him as their final day in Uganda crept ever closer, he still said yes. In retrospect, Kevin should have listened to James when he kindly pulled him to the side and told him that they were moving too fast. 

“How are we moving too fast?” Kevin asked impatiently. 

“Because you’re not even 20 and you’re engaged? To your boyfriend of _four_ months?” James said, “You haven’t even lived together yet!” 

Kevin frowned and pointed at the hut over his shoulder, “I don’t know where you’ve been living, but I’ve been living in there with Connor,” 

“Yes, but also Arnold and me and Chris and the rest of the guys! You haven’t lived in the states with him! You’ve not had to work out how to pay for college or bills or groceries!” James exclaimed, “We’ve been spoiled here, dude. Nothing is going to be the same when we go back home,” 

“I know that,” Kevin said, “but we’ve both got big plans, and I know that we’re going to be okay! Connor wants to be an english teacher and I want to be a biology teacher and-” 

“Jesus Christ,” James groaned, “That’s really cute, Kev, but you need to think about this realistically! What are you going to do when you have no money?” 

“My parents-” 

“-might disown you when you tell them you’re bi and engaged to your District Leader who you barely know!” James said, “Connor’s parents have already kicked him to the curb, how do you know your parents aren’t going to do the same?” 

Kevin tutted, “You’re just jealous because Chris doesn’t want to get married!” 

“I don’t want to get married either!” James yelled, “And even if we did want to get married, we wouldn’t do it now! “ 

“I won’t invite you to the wedding, then,” 

James closed his eyes, “I really fucking hate you, Kevin,” 

“Fuck you too, James,” 

James groaned and scrubbed a hand over his face, “No, I mean you’re - you’re one of my best friends, Kevin. And I love you and I love Connor to pieces and I want you to both be happy, I just....I don’t want you running into this blind and getting hurt,” 

“We won’t get hurt,” Kevin said, spinning his engagement ring around his finger. Connor had found it at the market. It was just a tad too big for him, “We both want this. Do you really think I’d do something without thinking about it?” 

“Yes,” 

Kevin sighed, “I know you’re only looking out for us, and I appreciate it, but we know what we’re doing. I promise,” 

“Okay,” James said softly, “Okay. If you’re sure, I’ll support you every step along the way and I’m looking forward to the wedding,” 

“Me too,” Kevin grinned. 

* * *

Coming out to his parents hadn’t seemed like something Kevin was ever going to do until he was back on American soil and he remembered that his parents were waiting for him in arrivals. Suddenly, the prospect of having to explain that he was engaged to is boyfriend of nine months was terrifying. 

He dropped Connor’s hand and pulled the sleeve of his jumper over his left hand. His parents had agreed to take Connor in whilst he got back on his feet, they just didn’t know exactly why Kevin was so adamant that Connor would stay with him. 

“You should have told them before we got here,” Connor said as they huddled together around the corner from where his parents were. 

Kevin looked up at Connor - his _fiance_ \- and then over his shoulder, chewing on his thumbnail and wondering if it was too late to go back to Africa. They didn’t _have_ to live in America, did they? They had been doing just fine in Uganda if you ignored Kevin’s unfortunate habit of having three breakdowns a week and the fact that their relationship was quite illegal there. If Arnold and Nabulungi could stay, why couldn’t they? 

“Kevin,” Connor said softly, running his hands up and down his sides, “We don’t need to be out to them if you’re not ready,” 

“If I - If I don’t tell them then...my mom she - she wants me to get married,” Kevin whispered, “A temple wedding, too and we - we’re never going to be able to do that, are we?” 

Connor shrugged, “I don’t know. The Church has done U-Turns on things before, hasn’t it?” 

“Yeah, but only so they don’t have to pay taxes!” Kevin exclaimed, “It’s not like the Supreme Court is going to say that any Church that doesn’t allow same sex marriages is going to have to pay taxes, is it?” 

“Probably not,” Connor admitted, “but this isn’t about what your mom wants for you. It’s about what you want...what _we_ want,” 

Kevin let out a shuddery breath and rested his forehead on Connor’s shoulder, arms snaking around his middle as Connor sighed and stroked the back of his head. In Uganda, they had been unstoppable; nothing could touch them there - no disapproving parents, no Church that denied their rights as a couple and no strict Mormons who turned their nose up at them. 

In Salt Lake City, all of that went out of the window and Kevin could already feel himself slipping back into Elder Price in the way that he took a step back from Connor and made sure that there was an acceptable distance between the two of them. He looked down at his hand, twirled his engagement ring around his finger and looked back up at Connor. 

“I understand,” he said quietly, reaching out and gently taking it off his finger, “I’ll look after it,” 

Kevin nodded, walking straight backed through the doors of arrivals, Connor trailing behind him slightly. His eyes immediately found his family; his mom already crying into a tissue and his dad grinning over at him. Isaiah stood next to his wife, Emily, who was cradling her stomach as Grace jumped up and down, waving enthusiastically. 

“Give me my ring,” Kevin said, turning around to face Connor. 

“Kev-” 

“We’re engaged and I love you and I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. How can I hide that from my parents?” 

Connor grinned as he slipped the ring back onto Kevin’s finger and took his hand in his. 

“Ready?” he asked quietly. 

“Nope,” Kevin muttered, glancing over at his family who were now all wearing matching frowns, “but even if it all goes to shit, we have each other, right?” 

“We have each other,” Connor agreed. 

* * *

“Aoife is in bed,” Kevin said, walking into the living room, “turns out, the key to getting a one year old to sleep is to talk to her about biology,” 

“Works for me,” Connor muttered. 

Kevin clenched his jaw and sat on the opposite end of the sofa, staring over at his husband with about as much love as he stared at a massive pile of papers that needed grading. He couldn’t remember how they had gotten to this point. They barely kissed, barely had sex, barely even _looked_ at each other. 

Getting divorced at 26 had not been in his life plan, but they definitely seemed to be heading that way. So not only was he bisexual, but he was going to be divorced. A bisexual divorced man with a caffeine addiction; everything that the Church would have preferred him not to be. Not that he really cared about what the Church thought of him anymore. 

It had been great at first; it was him and Connor against the world. His parents had surprised him by so lovingly accepting Connor into their family, and even defending them against all the horrible people at Church, and he was going to throw all of that back into their faces. 

And it wasn’t as though they hadn’t tried, because they had. _So hard._ They had gone to couples therapy, went on spa weekends together and bought into the age old Mormon belief that having children were the secret to marital happiness. 

Turned out they most definitely weren’t, but adopting Aoife was the one thing that Kevin and Connor got right. 

Kevin looked over at Connor, so desperately trying to see the person he had fallen in love with seven years ago, but he was gone. It wasn’t just Connor’s fault; Kevin knew that he had been no saint, either. His compulsion to take on as much work as he possibly could without thinking of himself and anyone around him had contributed to their lack of happiness. 

“I know it isn’t working,” Connor said, “Before you say the wrong thing and put your foot in it,” 

Kevin kept his gaze on Connor, foolishly wishing that if he turned his head and they locked eyes, they might fall in love again. That something would just click and it’d be like they were 19 years old again. 

When Connor did turn his head, it was only to smile at him sadly, and that feverish flame of first love didn't ignite again. 

“I think you were one of the first people to ever really care about me,” Kevin said, “and that was...it was confusing when you didn’t use anything against me. Not my religion or the fact that I don’t do feelings well or - or anything and I thought that you were the only person in the world for me and-” 

“I’m not?” Connor said. 

Kevin looked away from him, eyes falling to his wedding ring, which only made him feel worse. He had been imagining this conversation for months, thinking that he would be prepared for it - but he was anything but. 

“No,” Kevin said, “You’re not. And I don’t think I am for you, either,” 

“No,” Connor whispered, “I don’t think you are,” 

“I don’t regret anything,” Kevin said, his throat tightening, “You made me so happy, Connor. And Aoife is the best thing that has ever happened to me and we wouldn’t have her without each other,”

Connor nodded, wiping his eyes, “I’m always gonna love you, Kev,” 

“Yeah. Me too,” 

Connor stayed at Chris and James’ that night, and Kevin sat in the chair in Aoife's room, spinning his wedding ring around his finger and wondering how he could have gotten it so wrong. 


	2. Lettergate

Divorce had possibly made Kevin bitter. 

It wasn’t that Kevin didn’t believe in love anymore, it was just that he believed that spending your entire life with one person who was ultimately going to break your heart was stupid. 

It was for this reason that he didn’t really understand why Brad had asked him to be his best man. 

It had always amazed Kevin that despite their history, Brad had always been supportive of him and all the terrible decisions that he had made with Connor. He’d been there for him the day after Connor had officially moved out, had come with him to adopt a (ginger) cat when he’d had a slight breakdown, and for reasons that Kevin could still not understand, had never abandoned him after all of his other breakdowns - and all of them had been quite dramatic. 

And Kevin _definitely_ couldn’t understand why he’d been asked to be best man when the night before the wedding, Kevin couldn’t really offer much but a boring night in and a bottle of whiskey. He knew that he should have probably taken him to a strip club or something, but Kevin had been to one too many strip clubs in his time and was in no rush to suffer through one again. 

“Hows Connor?” Brad asked. 

Kevin was saved having to speak by his cat, Catzilla, jumping onto his lap and nuzzling against his face until he got comfortable by burrowing under Kevin’s t-shirt and purring happily against his stomach. 

“I don’t know. We don’t really speak when we drop off Aoife,” Kevin said, finally drawing his attention away from the cat. 

Brad sighed and passed over another glass of whiskey, “I’m sorry, buddy,” 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Kevin said, “It’s been five years. I’ve moved on,” 

“Have you?” Brad asked, somehow still able to see right through all of Kevin’s lies, “I’ve known you since we were kids, Kev. You can’t hide anything from me,” 

“You’re getting married tomorrow, do we really have to talk about it now?” Kevin asked impatiently. 

Brad stared at him with his eyebrows raised, clearly waiting for him to say something. Kevin tutted and rolled his eyes, resigning himself to the fact that he was about to have a therapy session whether he liked it or not. 

“We were married, we have a daughter. It - It makes everything harder,” Kevin said, “and I - maybe it’s because I haven’t found anyone else yet,” 

“You will,” Brad said confidently, “You’re hot. You’re a hot dad,” 

“No one goes for dads,” Kevin said, “because dads are boring. I’m a dad and I'm a teacher. I don’t have time for dating. I’m a boring dad and an overworked biology teacher. Who wants that?”

“You were extremely boring even before you were a dad, Kev. It makes no difference,” 

Kevin tutted and hit him over the head with a cushion. There were days when he was sure that getting divorced was the right thing to do and days where he regretted it more than anything he had ever regretted in his life. Every day though, he felt lonely because it hadn’t just been Connor that he had lost. He had lost his friends, too. Arnold and Nabulungi were travelling the world together, and Chris had naturally gone to Connor’s side, pulling James with him. Sometimes he saw them when they were grocery shopping, but it was like speaking to someone he had gone to middle school with: awkward and with empty promises of going for drinks soon. 

“You know what you should do?” Brad said. 

“Accept the fact that I’m going to die alone?” 

Brad rolled his eyes, “ _No._ You should just go and fuck someone,” 

Kevin scrunched his nose up, “I don’t _fuck,_ I make love,” 

“You make me biphobic,” Brad sighed. 

“ _Ha, Ha,”_

Brad frowned at him, “Have you actually had sex since Connor?”

Kevin felt his cheeks flush, one thing that he had never gotten good at was talking about his sex life. Even when he and Connor were married and his sex life was something to brag about, he didn’t like to talk about it. Connor had always found it endearing for some reason. 

“I mean, I’ve - you know...when you downloaded Grindr onto my phone for me, I might have...um...” he trailed off, face burning bright red, “and then when you downloaded Tinder for me, I met this girl and she...well...having sex with women is very different to having sex with men,”

Brad snorted, “Yeah, even _I_ could have told you that. Were you terrible at it?” 

“She didn’t say I was, but it was implied when I was, uh...you know... _down there_ with my, uh, my mouth and, uh, she just told me to ‘give up and get on with it’,” he cleared his throat, “She was nice though. She ordered Chinese food afterwards,” 

"At least Chinese food is one thing you can eat," 

Kevin scrunched his nose up, "You're disgusting. I'd expect that from my 9th Graders!"

“Why don’t you just date guys at first whilst you get back on your feet?” Brad suggested, still giggling to himself, “That way you don’t have to have sex anxiety,” 

“I don’t think I’m very good at having sex with men,” Kevin admitted, “I don’t think I’m very good at having sex in general,” 

“I’m sure you got in more than enough practice with Connor,” Brad said before paling, “Unless you’re about to tell me that marriage kills your sex life. In which case, keep your mouth shut,” 

“I knew what he liked, I don’t know what some person I’ve only been on like 4 dates likes,” Kevin mumbled, “We made our sex mistakes together because we were both each others firsts and there was...there was _a lot_ ,” 

He looked down at his glass, a small smile tugging on his lips as he remembered the first time Connor had tried to go down on him. It had been at some ungodly hour of the morning in Uganda when both of them had realised that waiting for marriage was pointless because the Church would never recognise them as a true married couple. Something that probably should have taken 15 minutes had taken almost an hour because they both kept on bursting into a fit of giggles. 

“Write him a letter,” Brad said quietly, bringing him out of his reverie.

“Who?” Kevin asked, “ _Connor?_ I’m not - I’m not writing him a letter. We’re not in the 1940’s. It’d probably be easier if we were in the 1940’s actually, because I probably wouldn’t have ever got married because gay people didn’t exist then,” 

“Or you’d have just been one of those people who never settled down but lived with his ‘best friend’ who never dated any women,” 

Kevin huffed out a laugh, “I’m still not sending him a letter. It’s stupid,” 

“You don’t have to send it. You don’t have to do anything with it, just get some stuff off your chest,” Brad said, “Once you finally move on from him, you’ll feel better. _And_ I need you to not be depressed when you’re best man at my wedding,” 

Kevin rolled his eyes, “Having a divorcee being the best man at your wedding seems like a smart move,” 

“Having my _best friend_ , however, is a smart move,” 

“Whatever. I’m not sending him a letter,” 

An hour later, Brad had him sit at the kitchen table with a pen and paper, staring at him expectantly. Every protest of _I really think this is a bad idea, dude_ fell on deaf ears with Brad proclaiming that neither of them were going to be leaving the table until he had written the letter. 

“I’m more than willing to miss my wedding for this, Kev. Don’t try me,” 

When Kevin had then tried the ‘performance anxiety’ excuse, because writing a letter to his ex-husband in front of his best friend felt a little intrusive, Brad was quick to point out that it took him a good hour to decipher anything that Kevin hand wrote, so he didn’t need to worry about him knowing what he’d written. 

He surprised himself (and probably Brad), by actually beginning to write. It was definitely out of desperation, and a sign that he should most definitely be in therapy, or on a dating app at the very least. 

_Connor,_

_I don’t know why I’m writing this. I’m a bit lonely and a bit drunk (Aoife is fast asleep, don’t worry) and this almost feels like I’m talking to you again. But really talking to you. Not that thing we do when we just say hi when we drop Aoife off at eachothers house. And it’s funny because it’s almost midnight and this is when we used to sneak outside in Africa and talk about everything we were going to do; how you were going to be an english teacher and I was going to be a biology teacher and how everything was going to be just perfect._

_And it’s weird, because I’m going to my best friend's wedding tomorrow, and you aren’t going to be there. You’re going to be somewhere else. I don’t even know where you’re going to be, and that’s strange because we used to have a shared calendar so I always knew where you were in the world._

_You deserve the world, Connor, and I couldn’t give you that, but thank-you for everything you gave me. Thank-you for loving me and having the greatest little girl in the world with me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you more, but I hope you find the person who could give you everything, even though I wish it were me. And I know I shouldn’t, but I still love you._

_Love, Kevin._

In his drunken state, Kevin slipped the letter in Aoife's overnight bag. He didn’t remember until he was driving away from Connor’s house. 

* * *

Lettergate, as Brad had christened it, was pushed to the back of Kevin’s mind once he was ready for the wedding. Mainly because the prospect of having to give a speech about just how in love Brad and Harry were made Kevin want to throw himself in front of a truck. 

As far as Kevin was concerned, love wasn’t real and pretending that it was was an absolute waste of time. He was not so terrible as to actually write that in the speech, but wasn’t sure he could trust himself to not say it out loud. 

“Kev,” Brad hissed, nudging him as his dad did his speech, “What have you written?” 

“You’re going to hear it in like 5 minutes, I think you can wait,” Kevin whispered back. 

“It’s not... _depressing,_ is it?” 

Kevin rolled his eyes, “Just because I’m occasionally depressed doesn’t mean that my best man speech is,” 

“You’re the most cynical person I’ve ever met, forgive me for worrying,” 

“Well, allow me to prove you wrong,” Kevin said. 

“How much of it did Isaiah write?” Brad asked. 

Kevin glowered at him, it was no secret that everyone flocked to the eldest Price brother wherever wedding speeches were concerned. Brad snorted and shook his head, muttering something about how Isaiah was the better brother. Not that Kevin could really argue with that; Isaiah was neither divorced nor a single dad. 

Even Kevin found it in himself to be a little grateful for the existence of his brother, because by the time he had finished talking about how having Brad as both his first boyfriend and now best friend was a blessing and had included a sweet story about the two of them when they were sixteen, everyone was crying. And although Kevin himself shed a tear or two, he wasn’t ready to abandon his belief that marriage was a scam and love true love wasn’t real. 

“Isaiah should make speech writing a business,” Brad said, kissing Kevin's cheek when he sat back down. 

“He already charged me $50 for it,” Kevin grumbled, “$50 and then gas money for the drive over to my house,” 

“I’m so happy I’m an only child,” 

“You can take any of my siblings,” Kevin sighed, “Start with Isaiah and work your way down,” 

Once the meal was over, Kevin felt like he could drop his Best Man duties and retreat back into his shell. He found a table in the very corner of the room and tried his very best to not draw any attention to himself. He stirred his Gin and Tonic, his brain helpfully reminding him that the first time he ever got drunk was with Connor in their first tiny apartment and how they’d both drank a whole bottle of gin only to regret it the next morning. 

“Why are you sitting on your own?” 

Kevin looked up and smiled at Julie, Brad’s mom. She sighed and sat down next to him, resting her hand on her chin. 

“Shouldn’t you be dancing and doing shots with Brad?” she asked. 

“No,” Kevin said, “I need to be up early tomorrow to pick up Aoife. Connor’s got a thing. I think. I don’t actually know. And I don’t like leaving Catzilla alone for too long,”

Julie sighed again and picked up his hand, squeezing it slightly. 

“This is unhealthy, you know,” she said quietly, “Closing yourself off to people,” 

“I’m not closing myself off to anyone,” 

“I saw you run away from a very attractive man earlier. He’s got a corporate job, you know. You’d probably never have to work a day in your life again,” Julie said. 

Kevin laughed and shook his head. The man with the corporate job _had_ been attractive, but he wasn’t sure that sleeping with someone after telling his ex-husband he still loved him was perhaps the worst thing he could do. 

“I don’t want anyone right now,” 

“I don’t believe that for a second,” 

Kevin looked up at her and then over at Brad who was dancing enthusiastically with Harry. He shook his head again and looked back down at his drink, tears stinging his eyes. Julie tutted and shuffled closer to him, putting her arm around his shoulder and kissing the side of his head. 

“What is it?” 

“I am _so_ lonely,” he whispered, “I’m 31 and I barely have any friends and no partner and no reason to leave the house apart from work and I - I hate it. This isn’t - This isn’t how it was meant to be,” 

“I know, darling,” she whispered, gently wiping his eyes, “but you’re not going to find your person if you keep on running away from them. Whatever happened to the confident Kevin Price that I used to know?” 

“He killed himself when he got divorced,” 

Julie tutted and hit him round the head, “He did not! You’re a catch, Kev! You’re handsome and smart and you have a cute job and a cat,” 

Kevin frowned, “ _Cute?_ ” 

“Being a teacher is cute,” she shrugged, “I’ve had a lot of wine tonight, don’t make me explain myself,” 

Kevin considered telling her about Lettergate until he realised that combining his best friend's drunk mom and his embarrassing admission of still loving his ex-husband wouldn’t be his smartest move. He had known her long enough to know that she’d somehow manage to convince him to call Connor and tell him over the phone. He was trying his best to not think about the possibility of Connor mentioning the letter when he went to pick the kids up in the morning.

“Well,” she said, “If you don’t have a husband to dance with at a wedding, you have your second mom to dance with,” 

“Please, no,” Kevin said, “I’m not really a-”

She suddenly gasped and tugged on his hand, “ _Come onnn,_ it’s Sweet Caroline!” 

Kevin should have probably known that she had an ulterior motive. Before the song had even finished, she had - quite aggressively - shoved him away from her. Had he not been four drinks in (plus all the champagne that Brad had insisted they drink whilst getting ready), he might have been able to regain his balance and not fall straight into someone's arms. 

Absolutely mortified, Kevin spun around and quickly stood upright again, smoothing his hair down and straightening his tie. His apology died in his throat when he realised that he had fallen into the arms of Mr Corporate Job who looked quite pleased with himself. 

“Hi,” Kevin said breathlessly, “I, um...I - sorry, Brad’s mom is wine drunk,” 

Mr Corporate Job nodded, “Yeah, I guessed that from the way she’s dancing,” 

Kevin forced a laugh, going to make a joke about how no one should ever drink wine before he realised that Mr Corporate Job had a hold of his waist and was dancing, and that he was dancing, too.

Kevin should have probably known that dancing with Mr Corporate Job followed by allowing him to buy him drinks would lead to him ending up back in Mr Corporate Job’s hotel room, but he wasn’t going to put a stop to it. As Mr Corporate Job - _Charlie,_ Kevin reminded himself - gently pushed him down onto the bed, he vaguely thought that maybe Brad was right and that maybe all he needed was a good fuck to get over Connor once and for all.

 _No,_ he wasn’t going to think about Connor. His life didn’t revolve around Connor anymore, and he highly doubted that Connor thought about him every time he had sex with someone. 

He instead returned his attention to Charlie, which wasn’t too difficult when he very suddenly took him in his mouth. Kevin gasped and arched his back, chest heaving. He wasn’t _quite_ Connor but - _no. Charlie._

“Charlie,” he muttered, just so he could get used to it, “Charlie, Charlie, Charlie,” 

“Huh?” 

Kevin’s eyes shot open and he looked down at Charlie who, despite the fact that he had a dick in his hand, looked quite confused as to why he was there. 

“W-What?” Kevin asked, propping himself up on his elbow. 

“You kept on saying my name,” 

Kevin blinked at him, “Uh, yeah, I just - I...I like saying your name?” 

Charlie grinned at him, offering him a bright, “Cute!” before taking him back in his mouth again. Kevin sank back into the bed, covering his eyes with his arm and being extremely thankful that he hadn’t done something as mortifying as saying the wrong name. He had done that once before in the early days of the divorce, and still fantasised about throwing himself out of a window whenever the incident in question crossed his mind. 

“Will you pass me the lube?” Charlie asked. 

This was always the part where Kevin zoned out; still uncomfortable with unfamiliar fingers in a part of his body where he had never thought anyone would touch. He couldn’t help but think about Connor as it happened; how gentle he was, and how he followed every movement, no matter how big or small, with a _is this okay, my love? Tell me if you need me to stop._

Connor’s incessant need to check up on him had usually been annoying, but there were also the days when all Kevin wanted to hear was the sweet reassurance that _hey, it’s only me_ and that cute little smile that Kevin could have talked about for hours on end. 

“Do you feel ready?” Charlie asked. 

“Yeah,” Kevin said, focusing on the light above his head. 

Charlie gently tapped his thigh, and it took Kevin a minute to realise that meant roll over. He did with a grunt, raising himself onto his hands and knees and dropping his head between his shoulders as Charlie slowly pushed into him. He moaned, dropping down onto his chest and burying his face into the pillows as Charlie began moving, hands brushing up and down his back. 

When he and Connor used to have sex, it always felt like _more._ It was never just sex; it was being loved, being wanted, being _needed._ Connor was always as slow or as fast as he needed, understanding that sometimes he needed both, and sometimes he needed neither. 

And whilst Charlie was extremely sweet - and _extremely_ good - in bed, Kevin was bored throughout. Perhaps it was because he had gotten used to all of Connor's little tricks that had him guaranteed to be squirming, or perhaps it was because he had once again disconnected sex from pleasure. 

Connor had been the one to teach him that a touch below the waistline didn’t have to be shameful or violent. It was _meant_ to feel good, but it was a lesson that had long since been unlearned and he had yet to find the person to teach him that again. 

Charlie came with a grunt, body shuddering against Kevin's. Kevin, in turn, pretended to reach his climax and collapsed against the bed, gasping for breath. 

“I’m gonna go clean up,” Kevin muttered, jumping up from the bed and hurrying over to the bathroom - and if he got himself off to the thought of Connor like a desperate teenager, it was no one's business but his own. 

“That was fun,” Charlie said as Kevin climbed into bed next to him. 

Kevin nodded, stifling a yawn behind his hand, “Yeah. I’m exhausted,” 

Charlie smirked as settled down next to him, “I do apologise for wearing you out,” 

Kevin didn’t much feel like explaining that the reason he was so exhausted had less to do with the actual act of sex, and more to do with the fact that the emotional labour of telling his ex-husband that he still loved him before throwing himself at the first person that looked his way. 

Instead, he mumbled something about how he hoped that he would be able to walk in the morning and hoped that he would wake up early enough to be able to leave without an awkward goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!! 
> 
> also thanku to haley (afterafternoons) for betaing :))


	3. Lunch Date

Kevin was extremely happy to see the back end of the wedding in favour of another week at work. These days, the only place that he felt a true sense of calm was in his classroom. He’d take a night in school grading papers over a night out in a bar, which was another personality trait of Kevin’s that made Brad exclaim that he was biphobic. 

Besides, Kevin had put far too much work into making his classroom look fun to not spend any time in it. All the plants that he had grown with his various classes hung from the ceiling, almost covering all the fact sheets that he had plastered on the walls about every subject they covered in class (his favourite being one about the discovery of DNA with an emphasis on Rosalind Franklin because he was not going to die until everyone knew her name). 

One of his most prized possessions - and perhaps the best thing that he had ever bought - was a model mouse skeleton that you could take apart and put back together again. It was his favourite first lesson of the year activity with Freshmen and also his favourite way to de-stress. He wasn’t sure why he found putting together a mouse skeleton so relaxing, but he was sure that he should probably be in therapy. 

His favourite part of his classroom, however, was his fishes. 

When the Principal, Mr Morris, had finally allowed Kevin to buy fish (after months of him pestering) he had truly gone all out. Basil the Betta Fish lived in a tank on his desk and was a very good listener when Kevin needed to vent. Behind his desk, there was a tank of Neon Tetras that he liked to watch flit about in the tank when his students were doing a test, and a tank of Guppies that he had only bought because Aoife had thought they were pretty when they were in Petco. 

Once he’d tended to his fish children, told Basil all about Charlie and how he shouldn’t have had sex with him, he settled down to start planning his upcoming lessons. 

He had only been planning his lessons for half an hour before his classroom door burst open and his self proclaimed ‘work daughter’ burst in. Isla Rodriguez was an art teacher in her first year of teaching and had somehow managed to worm her way into his life before he’d even realised what was happening. One minute he’d politely smiled at her in the first staff meeting of the year, the next he always had someone to eat lunch with. 

At first, he had been terrified that she had a crush on him and after he had very awkwardly explained that he really wasn’t looking for a relationship, she had burst into laughter and then showed him a picture of her girlfriend. 

“What on _earth_ are you wearing?” Kevin asked, eyes travelling from her brightly coloured dungarees and her earrings that, for some reason, had babies hanging from them, “Have you - Have you cut your hair?” 

Isla frowned and looked down at her brightly coloured dungarees that looked as though she had splattered paint on them herself (which she probably had). Kevin might have liked them if they didn't clash so much with her bright blue hair that had been down to her shoulders two days before. 

“Modelled it off my favourite colleague,” Isla grinned, sitting on the edge of his desk, “So, give me _allll_ the gossip from the wedding,” 

“There is no gossip," he said. 

“So is that bruise on your neck from walking into a door?” 

Kevin gasped and clapped a hand over his neck. He’d been teaching all morning with a _hickey_ and he hadn’t even realised! God, the entire school was probably going to know by the end of the day.

Isla gasped, “I was joking! Did you - oh my god - you hooked up with someone? _Who?_ ” 

“Don’t you have some paint brushes to clean or something?” he asked. 

“ _You_ are what's wrong with the teaching profession,” she sighed, “All of you in STEM look down at the Arts. Tell me, Price, who do people like more? Beyonce or Charles Darwin?” 

Kevin rolled his eyes and turned back to his work, more interested in his lesson plans than Isla and her constant crusade against STEM. Though he was perhaps a little naive to think that her hatred of the sciences would be enough to distract her from the fact that Kevin had slept with someone. 

“Come on, come on, come on!” she exclaimed, “Tell me! Who are they?” 

Kevin sighed and looked up at her, “His name is Charlie, and I will not be seeing him again. Don’t get excited,” 

Isla clicked her tongue, “You know, you’re not going to get married again unless you actually put yourself out there. You have to date in order to get married,” 

Kevin felt his face flush and he leaned closer to his laptop, trying to silently tell her to go away. If she got the message that he wanted to be alone, she completely ignored it and kept on incessantly poking him in the same way that Aoife did when Kevin didn’t give her the attention that she wanted. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” Isla asked, “ _Kevvvv,_ don’t keep secrets from me,” 

“You’re going to tell me I’m stupid,” 

“I would never!” 

“I wrote a letter to my ex-husband telling him that I still loved him,” 

“You’re stupid,” 

Kevin groaned and put his head in his hands. The more he thought about Lettergate, the more he realised that it really was the stupidest thing that he had ever done. When he had picked Aoife up from Connor’s house, he had not said anything to him. Usually, they got by with a very quick, always awkward ‘Hiya’ but Connor had barely even looked at him when he’d passed over Aoife’s bag. 

“Did he read the letter?” Isla asked. 

Kevin shrugged, “I have no idea. The letter wasn’t in the bag but he didn’t say anything when I picked Fifi up...it was stupid, anyway. It’s probably best that he didn’t read it. I don’t think I’d react well if it were the other way round,” 

“No, you wouldn’t,” Isla said, “You’d be taking apart that mouse and putting him back together for hours on end,” 

“Don’t come after my mouse,” Kevin muttered, “He keeps me sane,” 

“On the bright side,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows, “I think I’ve solved all of your problems,”

“I don’t think so,” Kevin said hurriedly. Every time Isla told him that she had solved all his problems, they either ended up in a lesbian bar or, on one memorable occasional, hospital. 

She nodded, “No, I think so. There’s a new English teacher now that they finally had the balls to fire Mr Smith _aaand_ according to the majority of the female staff, he’s very cute. I haven’t seen him yet, but you might find him hot, I’m not sure.” 

“February is a weird time to start a new job,” 

Isla shrugged, “I guess they wanted to try and make everyone forget about Mr Smith,” 

Kevin snorted, “It’s gonna take more than one new english teacher to make people forget about Mr Smith,” 

“ _Buuut_ it might take this one english teacher to forget about Connor, right?” 

“I’m not looking for a man right now,” 

She gasped, “Are you looking for a woman? Because if you are, I can definitely help you out. Women are my area of expertise. I mean, not really. I’ve only ever pulled one woman in my whole life but she’s still my girlfriend after three years,” 

“The only girl I’m worried about is Aoife, and the only man I’m worried about is Catzilla,” 

Isla groaned and hit him around the head, “You know, you’re a cute single dad to Aoife, but you’re not a cute single dad to Catzilla and all these fucking fish,” 

“What do you know about cute single dads? Aren’t you a lesbian?” 

Isla rolled her eyes, “Me being a lesbian doesn’t mean I know nothing about men,” 

“Sure thing,” Kevin muttered. 

“Whatever, Kev,” Isla said, jumping off the desk and ruffling his hair, “Don’t forget our lunch date!” 

“Sitting in the teachers lounge isn’t a lunch date. It’s punishment, if anything,” 

“Cheer up, dickhead,” she called over her shoulder as she left the room, “You might be meeting your future husband at lunchtime,” 

Kevin halfheartedly reminded her that he didn’t want to date another teacher, and _certainly_ didn’t want to date a teacher who worked at the same school as him. He didn’t even like the thought of dating someone in the same _country._

Thankfully, the two classes he had before lunch was enough to distract him from the fact that Isla was probably already planning his wedding with this mysterious english teacher. He also got to teach a lesson about DNA, which meant that he could lecture a group of 16 year olds about Rosalind Franklin and none of them were allowed to tell him to shut up. 

“ _Alright!”_ Kevin yelled over the sound of the bell, “Remember, I want your paper about DNA in by Monday!” 

“I’ll get it to you by Wednesday, Mr Price!”

“You really don’t need to do that, Lauren,” Kevin muttered, barely looking up at her. 

It was no secret that Lauren - and her group of friends - might have had a little crush on him. Isla found it funny, but Kevin lived in constant fear that just one small smile directed at the wrong girl was going to end with his entire career going down in flames. 

Once his classroom was empty again and Kevin could focus on something other than teenage girls who had no business having crushes on men far older than them, he fed his fish, had a quick catch up with Basil and got his food out of the mini fridge underneath his desk. Connor had bought it for him as his _Congratulations, you’re a teacher!_ present, and it remained the greatest present that Connor had ever given him. He used to joke that it was better than his engagement ring, but Kevin had never imagined that that would one day come true. 

Before Kevin could even think about eating his salad, his classroom door burst open and he almost spilled his water all down himself. Furious, Kevin looked over at the door only to be met with the equally furious glare of Isla. 

“Lunch date. I forgot. Sorry,” he sighed. 

“As you always do,” she snapped, “Come on. Teachers lounge. Now,” 

“I don’t understand why you think a date is in the teachers lounge,” he said, “My classroom is much nicer! I have plants _and_ fish!” 

“And a mouse skeleton. _Honestly,_ it’s no wonder you’re single,” she said, grabbing his hand and pulling him. 

“Uh, I had sex on Saturday,” 

“I didn’t have sex on Saturday but remind me again, which one of us is in a relationship?”

Kevin glowered at the back of her head as she dragged him all the way to the teachers lounge, keeping his hand firmly in hers. And as much as Isla liked to call it him, Kevin wasn’t stupid. He knew the only reason that Isla insisted that they had ‘lunch dates’ in the teachers lounge was because even though he had worked there for four years, he hadn’t made many other friends outside of her - and she had only started working there in August.

Her master plan to get him to socialise had yet to work; whenever he found himself at a table of other teachers, he’d retreat back into his shell and would find himself counting down the minutes to when he could escape back to his classroom. 

“Can you just...act normal for once?” Isla asked, still holding onto his hand as she pushed the door open, “and also _talk_? Instead of sitting there like you have no social skills?” 

“But I don’t have any social skills,” 

Isla sighed, “I know,”

Kevin froze on the threshold of the room, his eyes wide as he stared over at the table where the english department usually sat. Blue eyes that he had been trying so hard to forget about were staring straight back into his. 

“C-Connor!” Kevin exclaimed, trying his best to ignore how loud Isla gasped, “What are - What are you doing here?”

“Uh, teaching english?” Connor said, his cheeks bright pink, “I didn't - I didn't realise you left your old school,” 

“Four years ago,” Kevin said, “I, uh...I thought you liked your school?” 

Connor shrugged, his eyes darting around the room nervously, “Yeah, I did but...I just wanted a new start, you know?” 

“Sorry, do you two know each other?” Mrs Fisher, one of Kevin’s fellow science teachers asked. 

Kevin groaned and closed his eyes. He had somehow gotten through four years of working at West High without telling anyone about his personal life. As far as his colleagues were concerned, he was single - and always had been. 

“Oh, um, I’m Connor. Kevin and I, um...we used to be married,” 

She frowned, "I never knew you were gay," 

"I'm bisexual,” Kevin said, both his cheeks and eyes beginning to burn, “I don't think it's relevant enough to tell anyone,” 

He bit down on the inside of his lip, the only thing keeping him grounded was Isla’s hand in his. He had always thought that by the time he was in his thirties, he’d be much better at coming out to people but he still felt that same prickle of shame that he had done when he was 18. 

“You never told anyone that you were married?” Connor asked quietly, an odd look flickering over his face. 

“Well, it was over by the time that, um...” Kevin trailed off and looked down at Isla, silently asking for help. 

“He only told me because I’m loud and nosy,” she said helpfully. 

Connor narrowed his eyes at Isla and then nodded before his eyes flickered back to Kevin. They locked eyes for a moment, if that, before he turned back to his lunch and didn’t look up again. 

“I, uh - just remembered that...fish. I need to feed my fish,” Kevin said, dropping Isla’s hand and hurrying out of the room. 

“Kev! Kevin! Stop walking so fast!” Isla called after him as he all but ran back to his room, “ _Kevin!_ ” 

He burst into his classroom and immediately vomited into the sink, head racing and heart pounding. Isla finally caught up to him, running a hand up and down his back as he wretched again. 

“Fuck _,”_ he whispered, straightening up again, “Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck_ ,” 

“Hey, hey,” she said gently, handing him his water bottle and wiping his forehead, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay,” 

“I can’t work with him. I - I _can’t_ ,” he whispered, heat prickling across his face as he felt his throat constrict, “It’ll kill me. I told him that I loved him and-” his voice broke, “he probably doesn’t give a shit. _Obviously_ he doesn’t give a shit and I don’t know why _I_ still give a shit!” 

“Kevin,” Isla said firmly, “You need to take deep breaths or you’re going to have a panic attack,”

He tried to keep himself busy; he cleaned things that he didn’t need cleaning, bleached the sink within an inch of its life, took apart and reassembled the mouse a grand total of five times and had to be walked back from three separate panic attacks by Isla who kept on telling him to go home, but he refused. Being at home just meant being in the same house that he and Connor had shared whilst they were married and being reminded of all the good memories that had turned bad. 

When the bell rang and he very nearly burst into tears again, Isla put her hands on his shoulders and forced him to look her in the eye. 

“You’re in no fit state to teach right now. It’s time for you to go home,” she said, “I’m free for the rest of the day, I can take your classes,” 

Kevin shook his head, “You’re an art teacher! You can’t teach AP Biology,” 

Isla tutted, “So give me some cover work and go home. I think I can handle some geeks,” 

Once he had made her promise to not call his students geeks - even if most of them were a little geeky - Kevin shoved his things into his bag, waved goodbye to his fish and hurried over to the secretaries office who fixed him with the same suspicious glare that she always did. If it weren’t for the fact that Martha was his only other friend in school, he might have been a little scared of her. 

“What are you up to, Mr Price?” she asked with the same suspicion that she always did. 

“Sick. I’m sick. I need to go home,”

Kevin wasn’t sure what it was about Martha, but she always managed to make him feel like he was a student who was lying about where his homework was instead of a teacher. He tried to charm her with his very best smile but she just shook her head and started typing something into her computer. 

“I’ll write you down as sick,” she said, “but only if you tell me what’s actually going on,”

“Have you met the new english teacher?” he asked impatiently. 

“Mr McKinley? Yes, he’s lovely. I think he’s going to be a great asset to the school. _Much_ better than Mr Smith, not that he’s a particularly hard act to follow,” 

“Yeah, Mr McKinley used to be Mr Price,” 

Martha stared at him for a moment and then gasped, “Oh no. _Oh no.”_

“And I told him that I loved him last week and I don’t think he loves me back. So I need to leave,” Kevin said quickly. 

Thankfully, she didn’t take much more convincing after that. 

Kevin considered driving to Brad’s house before he remembered that he and Harry were somewhere in Mexico on their honeymoon, so instead settled on driving to his parents, the one silver lining being that Aoife was there.

It was only when he pulled up outside the house and saw Isaiah’s car that the silver lining became a little less brighter. It wasn’t that he disliked his eldest brother (because he didn’t), he just didn’t much feel like talking to any of his siblings. 

“Hey, ma!” Kevin called when he walked into the house, “It’s Kev!” 

“Kitchen!” she called back, “You’re home early,” 

Kevin glanced around the kitchen, expecting Aoife to launch herself at him as she always did when he came to pick her up. Frowning, he looked over to his mom for explanation. 

“She’s having a nap in the lounge. Go and wake her up,” 

“No, it’s okay,” he said, sitting at the kitchen table and ducking out of the way of Isaiah’s hand as he tried to ruffle his hair, “I’ll leave her for a while,” 

“Everything okay, son?” his dad asked, putting his newspaper down, “Something happen at work?” 

“What’s happening?” Isaiah asked, “You haven’t - oh my gosh, you’ve got someone pregnant, haven’t you?” 

“What? _No_!” Kevin exclaimed, “No, it’s...it’s probably worse than that, actually,” 

Isaiah raised his eyebrows, “Have you murdered someone? Committed a war crime? Tax evasion? All of the above? ” 

Their dad tutted and hit him around the back of the head with the newspaper that was reading, “If you don’t shut up, he’s never going tell us!” 

Kevin worried his bottom lip, wondering if he should lie and say that he had a bad day at work without mentioning Connor. As accepting as his family were, Kevin sometimes still struggled to move on from his family's age-old homophobia, occasionally convincing himself that it was all a ruse to get him into conversion therapy. 

And as loud as that anxiety was, the pain of seeing his ex-husband again, and knowing that he would have to continue to see him was even louder. His mom frowned at him and moved to the chair next to him, gently brushing her fingers through his hair. 

“What’s happened, darling?” 

“I, uh...so...um,” he cleared his throat, “There’s a new english teacher at school and...well, it’s Connor,” 

Isaiah choked on his water and his dad let out a long whistle. Kevin groaned and put his head in his hands, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. He felt his mom put her arm around his shoulder and press a kiss to the side of his head. 

“Did you know?” she asked quietly. 

Kevin shook his head and looked up at them, hastily wiping his eyes. 

“No,” he said, “I don’t think he knew that I left my old school. I just-” he broke off in a groan, “I - _gosh,_ I’ve really messed up, mom,” 

“How?” she asked quietly. 

“I’ve messed up with Connor,” he mumbled. 

His dad frowned over at him, “With the divorce?” 

“Maybe,” Kevin admitted, “Brad may or may not have convinced me to write Connor a letter where I told him that I still loved me and then I...then I gave him the letter,”

“What year are we living in?” Isaiah asked, “Couldn’t you just text him?”

Kevin rolled his eyes, “I wasn’t going to actually send it to him, idiot. The plan was to write it and get it off my chest and then move on, but I may or may not have been a little drunk when I put it in Fifi’s overnight bag,” 

“You know, I’m _so_ happy I’m LDS. I’ve never gotten drunk and done something stupid like tell my ex-husband I still love him,” Isaiah said, earning another hit over the head with the newspaper.

“Did he, um...did he mention it?” his mom asked delicately. 

“No. We just snapped at each other a bit,” Kevin said miserably, “and I thought that maybe I was going to move on finally and actually date again but then seeing him again and having a conversation....I never should have sent that stupid letter in the first place. I could have moved on without it!” 

“I don’t think you could,” his dad said, “I think that you need to talk to him face to face, and tell him how you feel. _Sober_ ,” 

Kevin shook his head, “No, I _can’t_. I don’t want to get back together again and then break up. It’d crush Aoife, and it'd - it'd crush _me._ I can't go through it again,” 

“You know I always liked Connor, dear. Even your father did back when he was still homophobic,” his mom said, “He’ll always be welcomed back into the family. But before that happens, you need to get your head on straight-” 

“Impossible for him to do that. He’s not straight,” Isaiah helpfully supplied. 

“-and try and work it out with him,” his mom continued, speaking a little louder to drown out Isaiah’s voice, “You’re both adults,” 

“And for what it’s worth, I miss Connor,” his dad said, opening the newspaper again, “He used to go golfing with me,” 

“That’s great, dad. I also miss Connor, we used to be married,” 

His mom sighed, “You need to do right by yourself and Aoife,” 

Kevin nodded and looked over at Isaiah, half hoping that he’d give him so brotherly advice but not expecting much. But after being married for 13 years, Kevin liked to think that he’d have some sort of advice for him. 

“If he’s the right person for you then it’ll work out,” Isaiah said, “I know you’re not religious anymore, but I really believe that Heavenly Father works in ways that we cannot begin to understand. Connor is back in your life in such a big way for a reason, bud, whether it be because he’s the love of your life or because you’re going to get the closure that you want,” 

When no one said anything, Isaiah tutted and threw his hands in the air. 

“So when I’m mean to him, I get hit with the newspaper, and when I’m not mean to him you all look at me like I’m an idiot!” he exclaimed, “What do you want from me?” 

Kevin groaned and rested his chin on his hand, obsessively tapping his fingers against the table until Isaiah threatened to kill him unless he stopped. He wasn’t sure if he was meant to be angry at Brad for suggesting he write the letter, or angry at himself for being stupid enough to actually do it and then go one step further by sending it or angry at Connor for _everything._ In the end, he decided that it was easier to be pissed off at Brad and sent him a text to make himself aware. 

** Brad **   
  
**Kevin:** I hate you.   
  
**Brad:** how have i annoyed you all the way from mexico?    
  
**Brad:** have i drunkly posted on facebook again   
**Kevin:** There's a new english teacher at work   
**Kevin:** It's Connor.   
**Brad:** 👀   
**Brad:** i see the issue   
**Kevin:** So thank-you for convincing me to tell him I still love him   
**Brad:** are you still gonna pick us up from the airport next week?   
**Kevin:** Yes.   
**Brad:** is connor gonna be with you?   
**Kevin:** I hate you.   
**Brad:** love you too babycakes xxxxxxxxx

“I’m gonna go and wake up Aoife,” Kevin said, dropping his phone to the table and wondering if committing a hate crime was worth it. 

He quietly slipped into the lounge, smiling at the sight of Aoife sprawled out on the sofa; one leg hanging over the edge as she snored quietly. Connor always used to complain about how much Kevin snored, and Kevin couldn’t help but wonder how he had reacted when he had discovered that their daughter also snored. 

He sat on the edge of the sofa, slowly brushing his fingers through her hair until she woke up, her face splitting into a wide grin as her eyes fluttered open. 

“ _Daaaddy!_ ” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around his neck. 

“Hello, you,” he said, kissing her cheek, “Did you have a good day with Grandma and Grandpa?” 

She nodded excitedly, “We went to a farm!” 

“Fun,” he said, propping her on his hip as he stood up, “And how do you feel about McDonald’s for dinner? As long as you tell Grandma and Grandpa that we’re having salad,

Once Aoife had very convincingly assured her Grandparents that they were having salad for their dinner and she had eaten herself into exhaustion, Kevin sat in her bed with her and read her _The Gruffalo_ as he did every night. He read it so much that he could recite it without even reading it - something that he often did when he was having a panic attack and needed something to re-ground himself. 

“Daddy?” she mumbled when he’d put the book back on her bookshelf. 

“Yes, sweetheart?” he said, sitting back on the edge of her bed and brushing his fingers through her hair. 

“Why did you look sad at Gramma and Grampa’s before?” 

Kevin smiled, “I wasn’t sad, I just wished that I could have been spending the day with you instead of being stuck in work all day,” 

“‘Kay,” she said with a little yawn. 

“Oh, that was a big yawn!” Kevin said with a gasp, “I think someone is a little tired right now,” 

Aoife nodded, her eyes fluttering shut as she mumbled the tiniest “night-night,”. Kevin stayed with her until he heard Catzilla angrily meowing downstairs. Leaving Aoife with a soft kiss on the cheek, Kevin walked downstairs to Catzilla launching himself off the back of the sofa and into Kevin’s arms. 

“I’m sorry for not paying you any attention, you little shit,” Kevin grumbled as the cat settled himself on his shoulder, “my world doesn’t revolve around you, you know,” 

Catzilla meowed indignantly in his ear, making Kevin roll his eyes as he grabbed the mail off the side. Heart momentarily stopping when he saw his name written in disturbingly familiar handwriting. 

“Well, _fuck_ ,” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!!


	4. Elbow Patches

If there was one thing that Kevin was extremely good at, it was ignoring his problems to the point where he forgot about them until they attacked him at the worst possible time. (Once during a poorly thought out one night stand with _Elder Grant,_ of all people, and once during a job interview for a job that he, shockingly, did not get). 

As much as he knew that he wasn’t meant to ignore his problems, it did make work much easier. It meant that he didn’t sit in his car for 25 minutes when he pulled into the parking lot and that he wasn’t constantly looking over his shoulder as he walked to his classroom. He just assumed that he and Connor had come to the unspoken agreement that Kevin wouldn’t go anywhere near the english corridor, and that in turn, Connor wouldn’t go anywhere near the science corridor. 

It also meant that the letter, which remained unopened, was the last thing on his mind. Admittedly, he had not slept much the previous night; he had sat on his bed, running the envelope through his fingers and debating whether or not he should open it. As curious as he was about what was in the letter, there was a voice in his head - that sounded a lot like _James,_ of all people - telling him to throw it away and never think about it again. 

When Kevin had dropped all of his things in his classroom and fed the fish, he hurried up to Isla’s classroom, finding her sitting at her desk. 

“Hey. Thanks for covering for me yesterday,”

Isla looked up at him and grinned, “Hiya. I was gonna call last night but I thought you’d want time alone. Are you okay?” 

Kevin nodded, “Yeah, I think so,” 

“You sure?” she asked with raised eyebrows, “It’s a pretty big deal, dude,”

“I know,” Kevin sighed, “but we work in two completely different departments. How much am I going to have to work with him?” 

“We teach two very different subjects but you’re still here,” 

“That’s only because I’m filling my diversity quota,” Kevin said, “Lesbian _and_ Mexican? You do wonders for my wokeness,” 

Isla tutted and threw a pen at him, “I hate you,” 

“Hey, that’s no way to speak to your father,” 

“Hilarious,” she muttered before frowning a little, “What’s wrong? You look stressed, but like...more than usual,” 

“I need to tell you something...”

Isla slowly closed her laptop, her eyes narrowed as she stared at him. Kevin chewed on his bottom lip, wishing that he could speak to Arnold, Chris or James. He loved Isla, he really did, but she was too far removed from everything that had happened with him and Connor. Isla had never known him when they were married and had missed the first terrible 2 years when he had not known how to adapt to life as a divorcee. But Arnold and Nabulungi were somewhere in Thailand and Chris and James had made it very clearly whose side they were on. 

“I, um...when I got home yesterday-” 

“Oh my god, Connor was there, wasn’t he? Did you have sex?” 

Kevin laughed and shook his head, “No, he sent me a letter,” 

She gasped so loudly that it would have been comical under any other circumstances and almost toppled off her chair. Kevin sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. Isla’s reaction was exactly why he didn’t like telling anyone anything. 

“I didn’t read it,” Kevin said quickly, “And I’m - I’m not going to,” 

“Sorry, you’re _not_?” Isla asked, “After everything that happened yesterday?” 

“I was being stupid,” Kevin said, “It’s not so simple that we can just get back together like nothing ever happened. We have a child together! I’ve always made a point of not introducing Aoife to anyone,”

“You’ve never had anyone to introduce her to,” 

Kevin glared at her, “Well, yes, I’m aware of that but the point is that I’ve always said that if I ever end up with anyone again, I’m not going to introduce them to Aoife for a long time! If Connor and I did get back together again, how on _Earth_ would I hide her own dad from her? And then what if we broke up again? It’d break her. I’m not going to do that to my own daughter!”

“Alright, alright,” Isla said soothingly, “You don’t have to do anything, but do you not think you should speak to him, at least?” 

“I - I can’t,” Kevin sighed, “I’d rather just...I’d rather pretend that he didn’t exist,” 

Isla snorted, “I love how healthy your coping mechanisms are,” 

Kevin rolled his eyes, “I’d love to carry on this conversation, but homeroom calls,” 

“Have fun," Isla said, "I can't imagine anything worse than being a homeroom teacher," 

"It's fun, actually," Kevin said as he left the room, "It's fun and they all love me," 

When Kevin passed Connor in the corridor, he did _not_ notice how well his trousers fit him or how soft his hair looked. 

* * *

Kevin managed to avoid both seeing _and_ talking about Connor for a whole week. He avoided the teachers lounge, didn’t go anywhere near the english classrooms and point blank refused to leave his own classroom unless it was absolutely necessary. Isla thought that he was being irrational, Kevin thought that compared to the other ways that he’d dealt with anything to do with Connor, he was being completely rational - he hadn’t slept with anyone _or_ bought any unnecessary pets. 

And he was doing very well until he had to pick Brad and Harry up from the airport, both of whom were very interested in everything that had happened with Connor. 

“Nothing has happened,” Kevin said, “He’s just... _there_ ,” 

Brad sighed and turned to look at him, “ _Come onnn,_ Kev. Why are you closing yourself off from something good?” 

“Something good?” Kevin asked, “Have you forgotten the fact that we're divorced?"

“Yeah, you’re divorced and in love with him,” Brad muttered. 

“Do you want me to crash the car? I will crash the car,” Kevin snapped. 

“If it means I don’t have to talk to you anymore, go for it,” 

“Stop bickering!” Harry yelled from the backseat, “You’re like an old married couple,” 

Brad insisted that he and Harry stay for a drink, and Kevin knew better than to try and disinvite Brad after he had invited himself somewhere. He probably should have also known better than to leave the letter on the sofa for anyone to see. 

“Who’s sending you handwritten letters, buddy?” Harry asked, waving the envelope around. 

Kevin froze in the act of picking some of Aoife’s toys off the floor, “Uh, no one. It was - It was just a student’s, um...a student’s parent,” 

“I didn’t realise student’s parents were on a first name basis with teachers,” Harry frowned, “Shouldn’t you be Mr Price to them?” 

“Uh..I don’t - I don’t really mind what they call me,” Kevin lied, “And I think that it’s weird when people older than me call me Mr Price, so-” 

Brad groaned, “It’s not off a student’s parent. It’s from Connor. Honestly, Kevin, you are so bad at lying it’s actually upsetting,” 

Kevin sighed and dropped down onto the sofa, his head in his hands. Brad sighed and sat next to him, running his hand up and down his back. They sat there for a moment before Kevin’s feelings decided to make an appearance. He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he was sat with the first boy who made him realise that he wasn’t quite straight and his now- husband, or the fact that when Kevin had dropped Aoife off at Connor’s house, they had barely been able to _look_ each other in the eye. 

“It’s alright, Kev,” Brad whispered, “I know it’s hard,” 

“No, you don’t!” Kevin exclaimed, “Because you don’t have to work with your ex-husband! You’re married and everything is just peaches and cream for you, isn’t it?” 

“Alright, so I don’t,” Brad conceded, “I have no idea what it’s like, but I do know that you have a very bad habit of pushing people away,” 

“I don’t-” 

“Chris and James. Arnold and Naba,” 

Kevin rolled his eyes, “Chris and James _chose_ to take Connor’s side-” 

“Chris and James tried to stay in your life, but you pushed them away. I _watched_ you do it,” Brad snapped, “You even did it to Arnold! And _don’t_ give me all that crap about them going travelling! Whenever they come home, you’re always mysteriously busy! You even push me away sometimes!” 

“I don’t want to get hurt again,” Kevin whispered, hiding his face in his hands. 

“You can’t live the rest of your life like this, Kev. All you do is work and look after Aoife and-”

“I don’t regret spending time with Aoife!” 

Brad sighed, “And I’m not saying you should. You’re a great dad, Kev, and Aoife loves you but you really do need to lighten up a bit. Go and put yourself out there a bit, and that doesn’t mean sleep with random people and then never speak to them again,” 

“If you’re talking about Charlie-” 

“He’s text me about you five times,” Harry muttered, “I said you live in New York,” 

"You'll find someone else," Brad said, "I know you will," 

“It was only ever Connor,” Kevin whispered, “The only person who’s ever made me feel like - like I’m worth something was him,” 

The admission that he felt like that was enough to send him over the edge; he slumped sideways into Brad, broken sobs tumbling out of him. Catzilla meowed and jumped onto his lap, nuzzling his face against his stomach. Brad sighed again and put his arm around him, resting their heads together. 

“Your self worth isn’t dependable on Connor McKinley,” Brad said, "You know it isn't," 

“It’s n-not just that,” Kevin blubbered, “I miss having someone to - to come home to. Do you know how depressing it is to c-come home to a - to an empty house every night? When I don’t have Aoife, all I come home to is to this fucking cat!” 

“Right, and you keep on pushing people away,” Brad said, “If you don’t want to come home to an empty house every night, do something about it! Go and find someone! Open the damn letter!” 

Kevin shook his head and stood up, snatching the letter out of Harry's hand and throwing it down onto the coffee table, “I don’t need to open that damn stupid letter! I don’t need Connor _fucking_ McKinley in my life!” 

“Alright, alright!” Brad exclaimed, “We don’t need the letter or Connor,” 

“No, we don’t,” Kevin muttered angrily, snatching his phone off the sofa as it pinged, “Fuck them both,” 

Shaun Morris (Work)  
  
**Shaun:** Any chance that you can come in work early on Monday? 7:45.  
  
**Kevin:** Sure. Everything ok?  
  
**Shaun:** Everything is fine, I just want to make sure that you and Mr McKinley are okay with working together.  
**Kevin:** Great.  


Kevin had thought that admitting he felt like nothing without Connor had already sent him over the edge, but the thought of actually having to have a conversation with him outside of dropping Aoife off at each other's house seemed to push him over the edge for a second time. 

“Oh my god” Brad exclaimed when Kevin dropped back down onto the sofa, sobbing hysterically, “Kevin, what - what’s happened? Has someone died?” 

“I - I _can’t_ ,” Kevin sobbed, shoving his phone into Brad’s hand, “I can’t do it! ‘S too much! _He’s_ too much!”

“Okay, alright,” Brad said soothingly, “Dude, it’s - it’s okay. It’s only a meeting. You might - You might not even have to speak to him!” 

“I _can’t,”_

Brad sighed and pressed a kiss to his temple, “I don’t want to discredit how you feel but are you not overthinking this? It’s not like you haven’t seen him in the past 5 years, is it?” 

“You don’t get it,” Kevin sobbed, “For five years, he hasn’t been anything but Aoife’s other dad. I was - I was able to separate the Connor I knew when we were married from the Connor that I know now because we _never_ spoke to each other. When I saw him when I dropped Aoife off, it was like the person I was seeing and the Connor I missed was someone completely different! And - And now...” he trailed off with a groan, “Now he’s _something_ to me again because I’m going to see him outside of Aoife!” 

“Maybe this’ll help you move on,” Harry said quietly. 

“I still love him,” Kevin blubbered, “I still love him and I hate myself for it,” 

Kevin couldn’t decide what was more embarrassing; the fact that he seemed unable to say anything but ‘I love him’ over and over again, or the fact that he was so distressed that Brad had to get into bed with him and hold him until he eventually fell asleep

* * *

If Kevin was a terrible teacher who didn’t care about his job, he might have considered bringing a hip flask to the meeting. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a terrible teacher and cared about his job a little too much. Plus, he didn’t want Connor to think that he had completely lost his mind in the divorce. 

Kevin did, however, almost lose his mind when he saw Connor stood outside Mr Morris’ office and realised that he was wearing glasses. His stomach did a little flip as his cheeks warmed up, and he suddenly felt like he was nineteen again and desperately trying to convince himself that he _didn’t_ find Connor attractive. 

“Hi,” Connor said, offering him a little smile. 

“Hey,” Kevin said, “You’re, um, you’re wearing glasses,” 

“And you’re wearing a cardigan with elbow patches,” 

Kevin’s blush deepened and he shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his cardigan. Isla had bought it for him as a joke, because she said that he always dressed like an old man but it hadn’t shamed him into dressing his own age as much as it awakened a love for knitted cardigans with offensively ugly elbow patches. 

“At least I’m not a speccy four eyes,” Kevin muttered. 

Connor rolled his eyes, “Yeah, well, McKinley’s all lose their eyesight around the age of 30 and I’ve ran out of contact lenses,” 

Kevin nodded and cleared his throat, looking down at the floor and feeling more than a little awkward. Thankfully, the door opened and Mr Morris called them in, saving them from anymore uncomfortable small talk. 

“How are we feeling, gentlemen? Good weekend?” he asked, gesturing for them to sit down. 

“Fine,” Kevin said, despite the fact that his weekend had mainly consisted of cuddling his cat and crying. 

“Yeah,” Connor said, “I, um, I had our daughter so it was pretty jam packed. 5 year old girls, _so_ energetic,” 

Mr Morris frowned, “You’re...daughter?” 

“Uh, yeah,” Connor said, glancing over at Kevin, “We have a daughter. Aoife. We adopted her,” 

“You never told me you had a daughter, Kevin,” 

Kevin sighed and looked over at the principal, trying to think of a good enough excuse as to why he had never told him that he was a dad. The truth was that he had never warmed up to his boss and had been more than content with keeping him at a distance. That, and the fact that talking about his personal life with someone he only ever saw because he was contractually obliged to made his skin crawl. 

“Uh, I guess...I guess she never came up in conversation,” Kevin said. 

“How has she never come up in conversation?” Connor asked, “Does _anyone_ know? Do you never talk about her?” 

“Is it wrong to want to keep my personal and professional life separate?” Kevin snapped. 

“All I’m saying is that I find it weird that you’ve somehow managed to never tell anyone that you’re divorced _or_ a dad,” Connor said, “No need to get snappy with me,” 

“It’s not like I’m not hiding her! Isla knows and-” 

“Of course _Isla_ would know,” 

Kevin frowned, “What’s that meant to mean?” 

“Gentleman!” Mr Morris exclaimed, “Come on, this is supposed to help you both!” 

Connor muttered a quiet ‘yes sir’ under his breath, but Kevin chose to be the adult and stay silent, no doubt looking like the sort of teenager that usually made him want to rip his hair out. 

Mr Morris smiled and sat back in his chair, resting his ankle on his knee. Kevin inwardly groaned and slumped down in his chair; he’d worked with Mr Morris long enough to know that he was about to launch into a long winded story that he thought would help Kevin and Connor with their problems. 

“Look alive, Mr Price,” Morris admonished, “I’m here to help you!”

Kevin nodded and straightened up in his chair, still choosing to remain silent. 

“I know how difficult divorces are, I’ve been through 3 myself,” 

“Jesus Christ,” Connor muttered. 

“But this doesn’t mean that you can’t work together, does it?” Mr Morris said, “I mean, it wasn’t a _terrible_ divorce, was it? No one’s tried to kill each other yet. If my second wife and I had to work together, well...I don’t even like to think about what would happen then. What happened between you too?” 

Kevin shifted uncomfortably in his chair and looked at Connor out of the corner of his eye, waiting for him to speak. When he didn’t, Kevin sighed. 

“Nothing.” Kevin said, “We just - We got married young, that was all. Burn out, I guess,” 

Mr Morris looked between them both, clearly expecting more but Kevin wasn’t going to air all his dirty laundry with his _boss_ and certainly not when Connor wasn’t being much help. When no one spoke again, Mr Morris sighed and leaned over the desk, resting his chin on the tips of his fingers. 

“But you can both promise me not to have a domestic in school can’t you?” 

Kevin stared at him, his eyes wide, “Do you think we’re going to have a shouting match in the middle of the canteen or something?” 

“Of course not, Mr Price. If you don’t even tell your colleagues that you’re divorced and have a _daughter,_ I don’t think that you’re going to acknowledge your ex-husband,” Mr Morris said, clearly finding the whole thing quite amusing,“Now, if there’s nothing else you want to discuss, I’ll let you both get on with your days,” 

Neither of them wasted any time in rushing from the office, Kevin deciding that he never wanted to have a conversation with Mr Morris about anything other than work ever again. Even having a conversation with him about work seemed like a step too far. 

Before Kevin could run away and pretend that the meeting never happened in the first place, Connor called his name. Groaning quietly, Kevin turned back to face him, forcing a smile onto his face. 

“I know that I’m meant to have Fifi this Friday, but I’ve got some _initiation_ with the english department. A night out or something, I don’t know...” 

Kevin laughed, “Yeah, it’s the same for every department. Strip club,” 

“Straight or gay?” Connor asked, “even though I - I don’t know what would be worse...”

“Straight,” Kevin said, “It was the worst place I’ve ever been. Well, not the _worst_ but...” he trailed off and shrugged, “I stayed for an hour and then staged a family emergency. I think I told them Isaiah got hit by a car or something," 

“Right,” Connor said with a little smile, “and, uh...the, um...the letter, you don’t - you don’t need to read it. Well, especially now with you and Isla,” 

Kevin frowned, “Me and - Me and Isla? 

“Neither of you are subtle about it, dude. I saw her kiss you on the cheek this morning, and yesterday I needed to get some art supplies but I couldn’t find her and when I asked someone where she might be, they said your classroom because _'that's where she always is',”_ Connor laughed, “It’s okay, Kevin. I’m not bothered. I mean, she’s a bit on the young side but...well, it’s your life. Has Aoife met her? Because I don’t know if she should be around her when she’s wearing those baby earrings. Might give her nightmares...they sorta give _me_ nightmares and I'm an adult,"

Kevin couldn’t help it and burst into laughter, clearly taking Connor by surprise. He himself had never had a particularly good gaydar, but Connor had always prided himself on being extremely good at figuring out who was gay and who was not. 

“Dude, she’s a _lesbian_ ,” Kevin said, “She’s a lesbian and also refers to me as her Work Dad, so..."

A look of relief washed over his face, “I don’t think my gaydar stretches to lesbians,” 

“Clearly,” Kevin said before clearing his throat, “So, uh...I’ll see you around. Gotta go and plan a date with Isla,” 

"You're still not funny," Connor said, rolling his eyes, "Well, see ya around, _Elbow Patches,_ " 

It was only when Kevin got back to his classroom that he realised that the only reason Connor didn’t want him to read the letter was because he had thought he was in a relationship. 

* * *

Kevin tried to keep himself distracted for the rest of the day, something that was made slightly easier by Aoife’s presence. She happily babbled to him about the day she had had in pre-school before being picked up by her babysitter, Francine, who had taken her to the park. 

The two of them, along with Catzilla, had then had a movie night which ended with Kevin snoring through the end of Cinderella and both Aoife and the cat nudging him until he woke up. 

“Let’s go to bed,” Kevin muttered, rubbing his eyes, “Daddy’s had a long day at work. You’re not going to be a loud, annoying biology student are you?” 

Aoife shook her head, “No! But I am gonna talk about Rosa - Rosalind Franky!” 

Kevin laughed as he helped Aoife into bed, pulling her blanket over her and kissing her forehead, “Good, _everyone_ should talk about her,” 

When she had eventually fallen asleep and was hopefully having dreams about being a biologist, Kevin walked back downstairs and grabbed the letter off the coffee table. He stared down at it, torn between actually opening it and throwing it in the bin like he probably should have done the night before. 

He wondered if Connor had felt the same when he’d found his letter. Had he spent hours agonising over whether he should read it or not, or had he ripped it open without a second thought? He was almost certain that Connor wouldn’t have hesitated. Connor’s ability to walk through life with the confidence that everything would be okay even after it all went wrong was something that Kevin had always been jealous of - and also something that he had always thought would keep them together, no matter how hard things got. 

“Fuck it,” Kevin muttered, flipping the letter over and tearing it open. 

_Kev,_

_First of all, you are the most dramatic person that I have ever met in my life. I mean, a letter? Come on, Kevin. You could have just text me. And your handwriting is a nightmare to read. Especially when you’re drunk. I’m not even with you, but I know you’re drinking whiskey. Stop drinking whiskey. It never ends well for you. _

_But seriously, I hope you know that I never stopped loving for you, and that I so wish that things had been different. I regret the divorce, more than anything. I wished we’d stopped rushing into everything and just chilled out for once._

_And I’m willing to try again, if you are. Just slower. And in a country where it’s actually legal for us to be together. That might make things a bit easier._

_Love always, Connor._

_P.S. Call me?_

Before Kevin could convince himself not to call him, he yanked his phone out of his pocket and hastily called Connor, trying not to think about how this would be the first time they had spoken over the phone in five years. Since then, it had been nothing more than very short, occasionally cold texts about who was having Aoife and when. 

Connor answered the call quickly and Kevin closed his eyes, praying that for once, this would go right. 

“Elbow Patches!” he greeted with a hiccup, “To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

“Uhm, I know - I know you told me not to but I...I read the letter,” Kevin muttered. 

“Well, you were never good at listening to me, were you? Unless we were in bed,” Connor said, probably accompanied with a wink that would have made Kevin weak at the knees. 

He felt his face heat up, remembering that Connor was out for the evening and, by the sounds of it, had indulged in one too many Gin and Tonics. 

“You’re drunk,” Kevin said, “I’ll - I’ll call back in the morning or something. I’ve got Aoife all weekend so maybe you could come-” 

“ _Nooo,”_ Connor interrupted, “Don’t call back in the morning, Kev! Talk to me now! Cause I - I need to tell you that I love you!” 

“Are you - Are you not just saying that because you’re drunk?” 

Connor hiccuped again, “No! Three different men have tried to come on to me tonight, but I said no to all of them because none of them were _you_! A woman tried as well, bless her heart. She asked if I was maybe bisexual and I said no but I said that my ex-husband is and then I started talking about you and I couldn’t stop, even when she walked away! Cause I really, _really,_ love you Kev,” 

Kevin choked back a sob, because even though this wasn’t really how he’d imagined them coming back together (there had been flowers and they were both sober and in the same room in his mind), he wasn’t going to start complaining about it. 

“I love you too, Connor,” Kevin whispered. 

Connor actually cheered on the other end of the phone, “Fuck the divorce! Fuck you! Wait, no, I got carried away, don’t fuck you. Actually, I _could_ fuck you,” 

“You’re drunk, Con,” Kevin laughed, “Go home. Do you want me to call a cab for you?” 

“My _god,_ Kevin! The night is still young! I’m gonna call you back tomorrow, okay? But only because I think I’m about to be sick and I’m tryna seduce you again. _Byeeeee,_ I love ya!” 

When Connor didn’t call him over the weekend, Kevin didn’t think anything of it - it was probably down to nerves. It was only when Connor didn’t return his smile on Monday morning that he realised that they didn’t remember the conversation they had on Friday night. 

Suddenly the bunch of flowers that Kevin had waiting in his classroom seemed a little silly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!


	5. In Retrospect

Thanks to some stupid camping trip that Isla had somehow been roped into, Kevin had to suffer through four days on his own - which meant that he reassembled his mouse at least three times in each of his lessons, and even more on his lunchbreak. After Smilegate, Kevin hunkered down in his classroom and left only for very rushed bathroom breaks all done in fear of seeing Connor again. (And one non-bathroom break every lunchtime to kindly tell Lauren and her friends that they couldn’t hang around outside his classroom.)

The phone call remained a secret, Kevin had not been so stupid to actually tell Brad about it and knew that if he text Isla to tell her, she would probably risk her job and leave the camping trip to speak to him about it. He supposed it was worse that he and Connor hadn’t even spoken about it; Kevin had had Aoife all week which meant that there hadn’t been any need for any contact between the two of them, and Kevin wasn’t sure if he was happy about it or not.

Friday, at least, would bring Isla and her terrible advice back to him. And even though her advice would not stretch past much more than getting drunk, even he could admit that it might have been better than reassembling a mouse skeleton.

“ _Oooh_ , who bought you those flowers?” Isla asked upon entering his room.

Kevin sighed, “No one. I bought them,”

“For an experiment?” she asked.

“Do you think I’d spend $85 on a dozen flowers for an _experiment?_ They don’t pay me enough for that!”

“So who did you - oh god. _Oh no_.”

Kevin nodded, “Yup,”

“You bought them for Connor?” she asked, “Why haven’t you given them to him?”

“Because I misread the conversation,” Kevin muttered, “and they’re too expensive to throw away. Do you want them?”

“Funnily enough, no," 

Kevin sighed, “All the kids have been asking about them, and I had to say that my mom bought them from me. Which is more depressing than the _actual_ reason I bought them,”

“Are you gonna tell me the actual reason?” Isla asked, "What made you actually buy them? I thought you weren't having anything to do with him," 

“I called Connor after I read his letter and he told me that he loved me and-"

“Don’t tell me anything more!” she exclaimed, “Mr Morris is away for the day, you can tell me and Martha,”

“I don’t really feel like talking to Martha,” Kevin sighed, "I don't really feel like talking to anyone," 

“She made rocky road,”

“I feel like talking to Martha,”

If there was anyone who could solve all of his problems, it was Martha. Kevin often said that the way to solve world peace was to get all world leaders in a room with Martha and her rocky road. It was even better accompanied with a cup of coffee and a shoulder to cry on - both of which were waiting for him when they arrived at her desk.

“Kevin’s having issues,” Isla said.

“Shocking,” Martha muttered, handing him a plate.

Kevin rolled his eyes as he sat on the chair next to her, “I’m sorry, but how do you think you’d deal with having to work with your ex-husband?”

“Confused, really,” Isla said, “Considering I’m a lesbian”

“What happened, Kev?” Martha asked kindly.

Kevin considered lying and saying that he never read the letter, but the problem with never talking about his feelings was that on the rare occasion that he did, it’s hard to know when to stop.

He told them exactly what he had written in the letter to Connor, how he’d tried to forget about it by sleeping with the first person he’d come across, how Connor looked really attractive in his new glasses and everything about the letter that Connor had written and the phone call that had followed. His voice had, embarrassingly, cracked when he’d explained that Connor said he still loved him, and that he’d been so _stupid_ as to actually believe him.

Isla cleared her throat, “Uh, Kev-”

“No, let me finish! The fucker told me that he still loved me but was so drunk that he didn’t even remember! Aren’t the Irish meant to be good at drinking?”

“Kevin-”

“Aren’t drunk thoughts sober feelings? Because-”

“Kevin, Connors stood there,” Martha said loudly.

Kevin froze in the midst of gesticulating like a mad man. He slowly turned his head towards the door. Connor was indeed standing there, cheeks pink and lips pressed together in an awkward smile.

“Jesus Christ,” Kevin muttered.

“Sorry,” Connor said, pushing his glasses up his nose, “I, uh, had my parcels sent here and I - I just got the email that there’s one here,”

Martha stared at him for a moment and then smiled, “Of course, love. Kevin, you’re leaning on it,”

Kevin jumped and looked down at the parcel that his elbow was resting on, immediately recognising the packaging. Every payday, Connor treated himself to a pair of fancy socks from a boutique in New York that they had visited once before everything had fallen apart. 

“Fancy sock day?” Kevin asked, desperately trying to dispel the tension.

“You remembered,” Connor said.

“My drawers were full of them for years, sorta hard not to,”

Connor laughed and nodded, “Yeah, well...see you later, Elbow Patches”

Kevin groaned and put his head in his hands. He wasn’t sure what he was more embarrassed about; the fact that Connor had definitely heard about the flowers or the fact that he might have heard that he’d slept with someone else. The fact that he’d admitted to _Martha_ that he’d slept with someone was embarrassing enough on its own; it was like he had told his own mother.

“That felt like flirting, if it makes you feel any better,” Martha said reasonably.

“It doesn’t,” Kevin mumbled, “Oh, god. I’m going to have to move,”

“What?” Isla asked.

“Move away from here. I never wanted to be the sort of person who stayed in his hometown his entire life, anyway,” Kevin said, “and the fact that I’m so close to Connor obviously isn’t helping. Maybe I should start travelling with Arnold and Naba, become a third wheel. Maybe change my name. That sort of thing,”

“ _Aaaand_ he’s spiralling,”

“Can you blame me?” Kevin asked Isla furiously, jumping to his feet, “He just heard that I slept with someone because I couldn’t deal with the fact that I told him I _loved_ him! If ever he wanted to get back with me, he’s not going to want to now, is he?”

“Not necessarily!” Martha said, “You don’t know if he heard that much. And you can’t move away, stop being dramatic,”

Kevin had never run from school as fast as he did when the final bell of the day rang. He snatched the stupid flowers from underneath his desk, said a hasty goodbye to his fish and fled to his car. He froze, meters from his car, when he saw Connor on the other side of the parking lot talking to a student.

Their eyes met for a moment before Kevin shoved everything onto the passenger seat and drove off as quick as his dying car would allow. When he got home - Aoife was at Connor’s for the night - Kevin considered calling Brad and asking for advice before deciding that telling his best friend about anything Connor related from now on was strictly prohibited unless an absolute emergency.

As he ate his extremely depressing microwave dinner whilst the cat sat at his feet, clearly expecting some for himself, Kevin half wondered if he should just text Connor. Every time he thought he should, he pushed it to the back of his mind, but the thought only seemed to get stronger and stronger as the night went on.

“Fuck it,” Kevin muttered to himself, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Catzilla meowed in response, but Kevin decided not to listen to his cat.

Connor  
  
**Today** 7:45  
**Kevin:** Sorry about before.  
  
**Kevin:** With Martha and Isla.  
**Today** 8:27  
**Connor:** Its ok  
**Kevin:** Lunch in my room tomorrow?  
**Today** 11:11   
**Connor:** See you there

_“Fuck.”_

* * *

Kevin had thought that he had been subtle when he dressed up a little nicer than usual, but one of the students from his homeroom caught on the moment he walked into the classroom.

“Morning!” Kevin said brightly, “How is-”

“Who are you looking nice for, Mr Price?” Collin asked.

“Uh...no one?” Kevin said, looking down at his shirt and tie, “Why?”

“Your cardigan doesn’t have any holes in it,” Collin shrugged before gasping, “Do you have a date?”

“Asking your teacher if he has a date is inappropriate,” Kevin said firmly, “But before you all start spreading rumours, no, I do not have a date. It’s called looking professional,”

“There’s nothing professional about a cardigan, sir,”

“Don’t you have something better to be doing than bothering me? Like school work, maybe?” Kevin asked, “You have a biology test tomorrow, remember?”

Kevin tried his best to stay calm throughout the day, but he was finding it increasingly difficult to do so the closer the clock ticked towards half past 1. Whenever he wasn’t teaching, he’d flit around his room trying to make it look more presentable; straightening his plants, making his useless piles of paperwork neater and even putting a few more decorations in the fish tanks. None of the fish seemed too happy about their new plastic decorations, and Kevin could have sworn that Basil actually glared at him when he dropped a replica of Spongebob’s house into his tank.

“Don’t be so rude,” he snapped at him.

It was only when the bell rang for lunch that Kevin remembered that he hadn’t told Isla about his and Connor’s lunch meeting (because he point blank refused to refer to it as a date) and dived over to his laptop, quickly emailing her.

_**From: Kevin.Price@wesths.com** _

_**To: Isla.Rodriguez@wesths.com** _

_**Subject Line - !!!DONT COME TO MY CLASSROOM AT LUNCH!!!!** _

  
_CONNOR IS EATING LUNCH WITH ME. DONT COME TO MY CLASSROOM._

_**From: Isla.Rodriguez@wesths.com** _

_**To: Kevin.Price@wesths.com** _

_**Subject line - RE: !!!DONT COME TO MY CLASSROOM AT LUNCH!!!!** _

_What happened to bros before hoes?_

_(but I will leave you alone, don’t worry)._

-

Kevin sat back in his chair, trying to look as casual as possible because he was _not_ nervous. He was only eating lunch with a colleague who just happened to be his ex-husband who he had not been alone with for five years. What was strange about that?

 _Everything,_ an unhelpful voice in the back of his mind said, _literally everything about this is strange._

And maybe it was strange, but Kevin couldn’t help the way his heart leapt when Connor walked through the door holding two drinks from Starbucks. He also couldn’t help the way he (very obviously) checked him out but it was hardly his fault that Connor had been blessed with the ability to know exactly how to dress.

“I don’t know if this is weird but I had a free period before this so I got you Starbucks,” Connor said, sliding the drink over his desk as he sat down, “and I’m assuming you never kicked that caffeine addiction,”

“Just because you get by on your weird fruity teas doesn’t mean we all can,” Kevin said as Connor started drinking said weird fruit tea.

Connor shrugged, “Coffee is too bitter,”

Kevin didn’t know what he had been expecting from their meeting, but he had been hoping that it would be slightly less awkward. They only spoke to mention how nice their lunch was, or for Connor to comment on something in the room. Whenever their eyes met, they would both turn bright red and then Kevin would start spouting off useless facts about his fish as though Connor would actually care.

“So, um...who has Aoife tonight?” Connor asked, and Kevin was sure that was his polite way of telling him to shut up about his fish.

“Oh. I’m meant to but she’s staying with my mom and dad. Sorry, I should have mentioned. It slipped my mind,” Kevin said, “My parents like to have sleepovers with all the Grandkids sometimes,”

“They _like_ having 3 kids in the house?”

“5,” Kevin corrected, “Isaiah has 2, Grace has 1, Jack has 1 and obviously I do,”

Connor frowned, “Since when did Jack have a kid?”

“Since...since like 2 years ago?” Kevin said, “He got married, you know,”

Connor looked down at his hands, “Oh yeah. I was meant to go to that but we...” he trailed off.

“Got divorced?” Kevin said helpfully.

“Yeah. That,”

Kevin smiled and looked back down at his empty plate, trying to think of something else to say. He didn’t much feel like talking about their divorce, but that seemed to be the only thing that the two of them had in common anymore. His eyes flickered over to the clock on the wall, wondering how on earth he was going to manage to fill another 15 minutes with conversation.

“Can we...Can we talk about Friday?” Connor asked quietly.

“F-Friday?” Kevin stuttered, “What, um, what happened on Friday?”

“Don’t play stupid, Kevin. I went out, I got drunk, you called me. You read my letter,”

“Yeah. You were drunk, you said something you didn’t mean. It’s okay,”

“I wasn’t drunk when I wrote that letter,” Connor countered, “You weren’t drunk when you said it back to me,”

Kevin looked away from him, chewing the inside of his lip. Out of all the places that he wanted to have this conversation, school was not one of them. He heard Connor sigh and the screeching of his chair as he stood up from the desk.

“We can’t ignore what we both said,”

“I’m not talking about it in school,” Kevin said firmly, “I have an honors class after this, I need for my head to not be a mess,”

“Okay,” Connor said, “So...come round tonight after work. We need to talk about this. It’s unhealthy,”

“I - I can’t,” Kevin said, “My cars in the garage,”

Connor narrowed his eyes at him, “Are you lying?”

“No! I had to get the bus in,”

“Alright. I’ll drive us. I’ll meet you here after class,”

If there was one thing that had not changed since the divorce, it was that Kevin could not say no to Connor McKinley.

* * *

In retrospect, Kevin should have known that going back to his ex-husbands house alone was going to end in the least platonic way. Or maybe he had known exactly how it would have ended which is why he didn’t put a stop to the way that they were sitting too close together on the sofa or the way Kevin had casually stretched his legs over Connor’s lap as they sipped wine.

“The house is nice,” Kevin said, glancing around the living room, “I like the wallpaper,”

Connor scrunched his nose up, “I hate the wallpaper. Chris chose it and didn't take no for an answer,”

“Seems like that’s a you problem. Or a Chris problem,” Kevin sighed, taking another sip of his wine and inching closer to Connor.

“What are you doing?” Connor asked, turning his head so that their lips were just about touching.

“Uh, I’m...um -” Kevin cleared his throat, furious that he still got flustered around Connor, “I was...is it not a bit obvious? Do I need to spell it out?”

Connor smirked, “ _Mmm_ , yeah. I think you do,”

Kevin moved with the intent to kiss him but pulled back at the last moment. Connor cocked his head to the side, a crease between his brows.

“I - I can’t,” Kevin whispered, “I’m sorry. There’s been too much said,”

“You’re right,” Connor said, sitting back, “We both said a lot in those letters. So...well, you wrote the first letter, you go first,”

Kevin wasn’t sure what made him launch himself at Connor; it was either the wine, his inability to talk about how his feelings or the fact that he had fallen into the habit of using sex to not talk about said feelings - possibly all of the above. It wasn’t nearly as romantic as he had planned, he accidentally spilled both of their drinks on the floor and there was a lot more teeth than tongue.

Connor didn’t seem to mind as he pulled Kevin on top of him, one hand tangling in his hair and the other drifting further and further down his back. Kevin frowned slightly when he felt Connor's hand move from his back and press against his chest, pushing him back. 

“You’re right,” Kevin said, panting for breath, “We shouldn’t, uh-”

“I was actually going to suggest that we move this upstairs,” Connor said, “This sofa was cheap and I don’t trust it to not fall apart if we, um...take this any further,”

Somewhere are the back of his mind, Kevin knew that he and Connor should be having a conversation about everything in the letters, and how they had both admitted to still loving each other, but he could feel something pressing into his thigh and Kevin had completely forgotten how much he loved seeing that look in Connor’s eye.

“Upstairs,” Kevin agreed, clambering off Connor and grabbing his hand.

Kevin sank back into the mattress as Connor straddled his thighs, fingertips ghosting over his chest. Kevin watched as he methodically slipped each shirt button out of its hole as though he had never seen it happen before.

Connor stopped suddenly, that look of concern that Kevin was so used to seeing when they were in this position flick over his face.

“Have I - Have I been too forward? Is this too much?” he asked anxiously, “Sorry, I-”

Kevin shook his head and flipped the two of them over, making quick work of Connor’s belt.

“Kev - Kevin,” Connor said, catching his hands in his own, “I need to hear a yes or no. Please, you know I do,”

Kevin froze, staring down at Connor with his brows furrowed slightly. Connor stared back, looking somewhere between confused and anxious - another look that Kevin was used to seeing when they were in this position. He had forgotten how much he needed to hear someone say those words to him.

“Are you - Are you disassociating or something? Kev? _Helloooo?_ ”

Kevin laughed to hide the sob that he could feel creeping up his throat and dropped his head to Connor’s neck.

“Yes,” he whispered, “Yes, I want to, Connor,”

He felt Connor’s hands brush up his back, one coming up to stroke the back of his head, probably well aware that Kevin’s emotions had gotten the better of him.

“Kevin,” Connor said, “If this is too much for you, we really don’t have to - _hmpf,_ ”

Out of all the things that Kevin wanted Connor to be doing with his mouth, talking wasn’t one of them. Kissing, however, was one step closer to what he _really_ wanted him to be doing.

He felt Connor smirk against his lips before flipping them over. He grabbed a hold of Kevin’s wrists and pinned them above his head, his mouth making its way down his neck. Kevin gasped, hands balling into fists as Connor’s other hand drifted over his crotch. At once, Connor pulled away, dropping his wrists.

“Oh. Sorry. You used to - You used to like it when I did that,” Connor muttered, his cheeks turning pink, “Am I taking this too far?”

Kevin shook his head, “N-No. I don’t mind,”

Connor gave him a searching look, an eyebrow cocked. Kevin rolled his eyes, bucking his hips impatiently.

“Jesus, Connor! I said I don’t mind!” Kevin exclaimed, “Do you want me to get on my knees and beg for it?”

“If you’re offering,”

After this, everything seemed to fall into place and it was almost like being married again; giggling every time one of them made a weird noise or when Connor got a cramp in his foot like he always did.

Every touch was gentle yet passionate, careful but deliberate. Every single flick of Connor’s wrist or tongue had Kevin’s eyes rolling back and him arching up off the bed, hands constantly scrabbling to grab hold of Connor and just feel the soft curve of his back, or his muscles flexing beneath his touch - and Kevin didn’t even have time to unpack how he felt about the fact that somewhere in the last five years, Connor had started working out.

When Connor’s hand drifted further south, Kevin’s guard immediately went up; his hands balled into fists and he unconsciously clamped his thighs shut around Connor’s hand. Without missing a beat, Connor took his hand away and gently trailed his fingers up and down his thigh, one eyebrow raised slightly.

“Do you want to do it the other way around?” he asked, “Or - Or not at all?”

“I’m fine,” Kevin whispered, “I j-just...I usually go on my front so I don't - I don't have to see..." 

Connor pouted, "Oh, but I...I don't like it when I can't see your face," 

"It's fine," Kevin said quickly, "I can do it this way, I don't mind," 

“Are you sure?”

Kevin nodded, lifting up his hips so Connor could slide a pillow underneath him. He hoped that his anxiety would let up once he actually felt Connor’s finger brush up against him, but it only seemed to increase; he kept his eyes trained on the ceiling, gripping onto the bed sheets so tight that his knuckles turned white.

“Hey, it’s only me,” Connor whispered, brushing a hand through his hair, “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Kevin muttered, “It’s okay. Carry on,”

The breath caught in Kevin’s throat as Connor pushed a finger into him. He groaned and reached out to grab onto Connor’s shoulder, his eyes snapping shut. The last four men that he had been with had mistaken this for pleasure but Connor saw it for what it really was and immediately pulled away.

“Is this okay? Do you need me to stop?”

Kevin shook his head, keeping his eyes firmly closed, “No. I’m - It’s fine. Carry on,”

“I’m not doing that until you look at me,” Connor said, “Come on. I need to know you really want to do this.”

Kevin groaned a little and opened his eyes. Connor smiled down at him and picked up his hands, brushing his lips over his knuckles.

“I’m fine,” Kevin said.

“I know, I just like to hear it,” Connor said, “You know that-”

“-consent is the sexiest part of foreplay,” Kevin laughed, “Do you really think I’d ever forget your sex-ed lessons in Uganda?”

Connor grinned and leaned down to kiss him again, “So tell me. Tell me what you want to do this,”

Kevin rolled his eyes, “Connor, I want to have sex with you,”

That seemed to be what Connor needed to hear. He leaned down to kiss him, slowly wiggling a finger into him. Kevin groaned and gripped onto Connor’s bicep, nodding and whispering a tiny ‘yes’ whenever Connor asked if he could move or add another finger. Finally, Connor pushed into him, and Kevin couldn’t work out if how long it had taken them to get to that point was a good thing or not. Either, Kevin didn’t think that it showed his mental health in a good light, but what did?

“Tell me when I can move,” Connor whispered, kissing the tip of his nose.

Kevin shifted a little, trying to get his legs into a more comfortable position. Had he known that this was going to happen, he might not have gone on a run that morning. His thighs were already burning and they’d barely even done anything.

“Okay,” Kevin said, resigning himself to the fact that he was going to ache the next day, “You can move,”

“You look uncomfortable,” Connor said, grabbing another pillow and sliding it underneath Kevin, “Better? Do you want something underneath your knees?”

Kevin shook his head, but Connor rolled his eyes and grabbed two cushions, gently lifting his legs and propping them underneath his knees.

“Why do you have so many cushions?” Kevin asked because focusing on something as trivial as Connor’s need to have an obscene amount of cushions on his bed was much better than focusing on the fact that he’d forgotten how much he needed his partner to go above and beyond to make sure that he was okay every step of the way.

“So that when I have sex with people who refuse to warm up before they go on a run are as comfortable as possible,” Connor said, kissing the tip of his nose, “That’s another habit you need to kick,”

Kevin might have been embarrassed that he only lasted 10 minutes if it weren’t for the fact that he only lasted two minutes longer than Connor. He collapsed against Kevin with a breathy moan and quickly helped him to finish before he burst into a fit of giggles. Kevin couldn’t help it and started laughing too, pressing a kiss to Connor’s shoulder and marvelling at the fact that, for once, he wasn’t scurrying off into the bathroom to get himself off. (The only time he hadn’t had to do that was the first time he’d had sex with a woman for the first time, but it had felt a lot less satisfying when he realised that she’d faked it.)

“Can you clean up?” Connor asked.

“Nope,” Kevin muttered, “You know the rules, whoever tops cleans up,”

Connor groaned as he rolled off of him, “I thought you’d forgotten about that stupid rule,”

“That stupid rule was your idea,” Kevin pointed out, scrubbing a hand over his face, “Can you get me some water?”

When Connor got back into bed, Kevin immediately scooted over to him. He froze in the act of resting his head on Connor’s chest, not knowing if he’d crossed a line. He was never sure what the rules were for a normal hook up, especially not one where the person he was hooking up with happened to be his ex-husband.

Connor didn’t seem to think that he’d crossed a line; he sighed contentedly and put his arm around his shoulders. Kevin relaxed and closed his eyes, refusing to listen to the voice that was yelling at him in his brain because _you’ve just slept with your ex-husband, idiot._ Instead of thinking about how much he had fucked up, he focused on what was happening at that moment; the feeling of Connor's arm around his shoulders, the way that his stomach rose and fell in gentle breaths and the fact that, for once, he didn't feel like a divorcee. 

And Kevin was happy to lie in silence until Connor broke it with a question that he would rather not answer.

“Did you keep your wedding ring?”

Kevin kept his eyes trained on the wall, Connor’s fingers feather light as they trailed up and down his arm. He swallowed and nodded quickly.

“Yeah. I think - I think it’s in my drawer,”

“And your engagement ring?”

Kevin nodded again, “Also in my drawer,”

Connor didn’t say anything, so Kevin waited, assuming he was taking his time to think up a reply. When he didn’t reply, Kevin looked up at him: he was staring blankly at the ceiling, his hand now lying flat against Kevin’s arm.

“Did you?” Kevin asked, “Keep your wedding ring?”

“I keep it in my wallet,”

Kevin looked back at the wall, a crease between his eyebrows. He wasn’t sure how he was meant to reply to that, if he was meant to reply to it.

Before he could try and make a terrible joke about a wedding ring not being very helpful in paying for groceries, Connor had closed his eyes and Kevin supposed that it wasn’t something that needed a reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!


	6. Co-Parenting

Kevin woke up the next morning to aching thighs and an aching something else. It took a moment for him to work out exactly  _ what  _ was aching and when did, he groaned and scrubbed a hand over his flushed face, wondering if he was ever going to grow out of what was truly a terrible habit of sleeping with people when he couldn’t deal with his emotions. 

Slowly, he turned his head to the other side of the bed, finding it empty - though he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. If whoever he had slept with had left for the day, then he could sneak out without a worry. Though he had too often mistaken an empty bed for an empty house, and didn’t much feel like suffering through a terrible excuse as to why he had to leave so early. 

He lay there for a moment, staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling and trying to work out where he was. The lack of headache meant that he hadn’t been drunk the night before, but the thought of sleeping with some stranger sober somehow made it worse. It was always easier to blame poorly thought out sex on vodka. Frowning, he propped himself up on his elbow and looked around the room, trying to decipher if he was in a man or a woman’s room. The Lady Gaga album art on the wall suggested gay man, but the bouquet of flowers on the bedside table suggested woman. Then again, Lady Gaga wasn’t strictly reserved for gay men, and flowers weren’t only for women. 

Still, the  _ aching  _ that he felt suggested that he had slept with a man - not that he’d never felt that particular sort of ache after a night with a woman before. 

“Oh, you’re awake,” 

Kevin’s elbow gave way beneath him as the door to the ensuite opened and (a very naked) Connor, smiled over at him. Kevin felt his cheeks flush and he looked away from him, quite sure that openly staring at him was rude even though the memories of the previous night were rushing back to him and he had definitely done  _ much _ more than just stare at him. 

“What time is it?” Kevin asked, trying to look everywhere but Connor. 

“9.30,” Connor said brightly, finally pulling his underwear on and collapsing back onto the bed, “You okay?” 

Kevin nodded, pulling the covers tighter around him as though Connor seeing him naked would be something scandalous. Connor rolled over onto his side and laughed at him, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. 

“This is like after our first time,” Connor said, “When you were so embarrassed that you couldn’t even look at me,” 

“I was 19 and stressed about everything,” Kevin grumbled. 

“And the only thing that’s changed is that you’re now 31,”

“Funny,” Kevin said, rolling onto his back and staring back up at the ceiling. 

Just as he was about to tell Connor that they really should be talking about their feelings towards each other, he jumped out of bed to go and make breakfast. Kevin had a sneaking suspicion that since the divorce, Connor might have also developed a terrible habit of not talking about his feelings. It made him sad, really. Kevin had watched Connor overcome everything that he had learned in ‘therapy’ to be honest with himself about his feelings, only to throw it all away again.

Ignoring that awful feeling of guilt that pointed out he was probably a little at fault for this, Kevin threw the covers off himself and pulled his clothes back on, hoping that Connor wouldn’t be too offended if he tried to make a quick get away. 

Before he went anywhere, he snatched his phone off the ground and locked himself in the ensuite, hastily calling Brad. 

“Why are you calling me this early on a  _ Saturday?  _ I’ve not even left for work yet!” 

“This is not about you!” Kevin whispered down the phone, “but I’ve - god, I’ve  _ really  _ fucked up, Brad,” 

“Why are you whispering? Have you been kidnapped? Oh my god, are you a hostage?” 

“No, I-” 

“Harry!  _ Harry!”  _ Brad hissed, followed by the sound of what Kevin assumed was Brad hitting Harry until he woke up, “Kevin’s been kidnapped!” 

“No, no, I haven’t been kidnapped,” Kevin said quickly, trying to keep his voice as low as possible even though he could hear Connor downstairs, “No, I - I’m at Connor’s,” 

“Picking up Aoife?” 

Kevin groaned and closed his eyes, “We had sex last night,” 

“You  _ what _ ?” 

“I read his letter and - and he told me that he loved me and I wanted to talk about it so I went back to his house and we had sex,” Kevin whispered, “and I - we really,  _ really  _ shouldn’t have done that! And now he’s acting like it’s completely normal and making us  _ breakfast,”  _

“Good-bye sex is normal,” Brad reasoned, “I slept with all my ex boyfriends after we broke up,” ; 

“Yeah, but there’s a difference between ex-boyfriends and ex-husband who I have a child with!” 

“And who you replaced with a cat,” 

Kevin’s response (which was just to tell him to fuck off) was cut off by Connor shouting up the stairs to tell him that breakfast was ready. Brad giggled down the phone, and Kevin was glad that at least one of them found the whole thing amusing. 

“Aw, you’re all domestic again,” 

“Shut up,” Kevin grumbled by way of a good-bye. 

Connor certainly seemed to be playing up to the strange theme of domesticity that they had established. When Kevin walked into the kitchen, he was plating up waffles and wearing a ‘ _ kiss the cook’  _ apron. Kevin hoped that it was a statement, rather than a request. Something told him that if he did kiss Connor again, he’d probably never stop. 

“Sit down,” Connor said with a grin, “I got you your meds,” 

Kevin frowned as he sat at the table, staring at the two tiny pills as though he hadn’t been taking them every morning since he was twenty one. 

“Where did you even-” 

“I got them out of your bag, sorry,” Connor grimaced, “I know you hate it when you forget to take them,” 

“Um, thank-you,” Kevin muttered, taking them so quickly that he almost choked, “I didn’t think you’d remember.” 

Connor shrugged, “I thought you wouldn’t remember the socks,” 

Kevin couldn’t tell if breakfast was awkward, or if  _ he  _ was awkward. Connor seemed happy enough as he ate his waffles and gave Kevin the occasional little smirk that made Kevin’s cheeks heat up. 

And even though he would never admit it (and certainly not to  _ Brad) _ , he was extremely pleased to be acting all domestic with Connor again. It was wrong, he knew that, because they still had so much to discuss: neither of them had mentioned the fact that they’d both admitted to still loving each other, though Kevin still wasn't convinced that Connor had really meant it considering how drunk he had been when he had said it. 

It just drove home the fact that he should definitely stop having sex with people to avoid his feelings. 

“Are you alright?” Connor asked quietly. 

“Fine,” Kevin said, looking up at him with a smile, “These waffles are nice,” 

“No, seriously,” Connor said, knocking their knees together, “What’s up?” 

Kevin pushed his waffles around his plate for a moment before he looked up at Connor with a sigh. 

“We said we were going to talk. All we did was have sex,” Kevin said. 

“I know,” Connor muttered, “but you don’t - you don’t  _ regret  _ it, do you?” 

“No,” Kevin said hurriedly, already knowing where Connor’s mind was at; whenever they had sex when Kevin’s head wasn’t in the best of places, Connor would convince himself that he’d taken advantage of him, “No, of course not, but I...I wish we’d have talked about it a bit more,” 

“We could talk about it now,” Connor said. 

Kevin sighed and slumped down in his chair a little, purposely shoving a massive piece of waffle into his mouth to avoid having to talk. Connor stared at him with raised eyebrows, and Kevin was almost certain that he knew exactly what was going on in his head - because he always seemed to. 

“I’ve got to pick Aoife up in half an hour,” Kevin said, “We probably - We probably shouldn’t,” 

“We had a conversation on the phone, didn’t we?” Connor asked, “When I went out?” 

“We don’t need to talk about it now,” 

“I said I loved you,” 

“Connor-” 

“I do,” 

Kevin groaned and put his head in his hands, his hands curling into fists in his hair. All Kevin had wanted for the past week was to have this conversation with Connor, but now that he was actually faced with it, away from sex and wine and any other distractions, he wanted nothing more than to be able to skip the conversation and jump straight back into a relationship. 

“I do, too,” Kevin whispered, his eyes flickering over to him for a second. 

“Right, well...” Connor trailed off, “I don’t actually know where we’re meant to go from here,” 

“What did we do when we said it for the first time?” Kevin asked. 

“I think we made out,” Connor said with a frown, standing up and clearing the table, “Or whatever horny nineteen year olds do to get by in Uganda,”

Again, Kevin knew that they should probably talk more, talk about where they actually wanted to go from there - would they go on dates, or were they going to take things so slowly that they wouldn’t even do that? How long were they going to keep it to themselves? Kevin knew that he wouldn’t be able to not tell Brad or Isla about this, and he had a feeling that Connor had already text Chris about everything that happened. 

Instead of talking to Connor about any of that, he followed him over to the dishwasher and slung his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder and slowly kissing down his neck. He felt Connor relax into his arms, his head lolling to the side a little. 

“Hey,” Connor said, “I thought you wanted to talk?” 

“I did say we can’t talk about everything we need to in half an hour,” Kevin whispered, “but you know what we can do in half an hour?” 

“What?” 

Kevin grinned and spun him around, backing him up against the kitchen counter. Connor rolled his eyes but made no attempt to stop Kevin from leaning in to kiss him, and did not seem at all bothered as he started to kiss him back. 

He didn’t even realise how long they had been making out like two desperate teenagers until his phone pinged with a message from his mom telling him that Aoife was ready to come home. Kevin sighed and rested his forehead against Connor’s, not wanting to be anywhere but his arms. 

“I’ll drive you,” Connor whispered, pressing a kiss to his lips, “and I can drive you home, if you want? With Aoife?” 

Kevin took a step back from him, staring down at their joined hands. Somehow, letting Aoife seeing the two of them together - however innocent that it would be - seemed like a terrible idea. The last thing that he wanted was to get her hopes up, he didn’t even want to get his own hopes up. 

“There’s nothing wrong with her seeing us together,” Connor said, stroking his thumb along his cheek. 

“Can you read my mind?” Kevin asked. 

Connor grinned and kissed his cheek, “You’ve only just realised?” 

The drive over to his parents house wasn’t awkward as much as it was terrifying. The closer they got, the more Kevin realised that it was a mistake; Aoife seeing them together could give her the wrong idea, and he didn’t even want to  _ think  _ about what his parents or siblings would think if they saw them together. As long as Isaiah wasn’t around, they might be okay. 

“Aw, it looks the exact same,” Connor said as he looked up at the house when they pulled up outside, “Your dads waving at you, by the way,” 

“ _ What?”  _ Kevin asked, whipping around in his seat to see his dad waving at him as he mowed the lawn, “Oh, for fucks sake,” 

“Jesus, Kev, it’s only your dad,” Connor snorted, “I’ll wait here,” 

Groaning a little, because his master plan to sneak away without anyone seeing Connor had been ruined, he got out of the car and stomped over to his dad who was grinning in the way that he usually was when he was about to start bullying one of his children. 

“I see you brought a friend,” he said lightly.

“My car is in the garage, I needed a ride,” Kevin muttered, scratching the back off his neck, “Is Fifi okay?” 

“Invite him in, Kev,”

“I’m not inviting-” 

"Invite him in!” 

Glowering at his dad, Kevin slouched back to Connor’s car and knocked on the window, “Um, my dad has invited you in,” 

“Oh,” 

Kevin sighed, “I know it’s weird but can you just entertain him, please? He, uh...He misses you?” 

Connor snorted as he got out of the car, “Well, I feel like now would be a good time to tell you that your dad and I had an affair,” 

“Thank-you for that mental image,” Kevin muttered as he walked back up to the house, Connor giggling slightly as he followed him. 

It was strange because he felt the exact same as he did when he was introducing Connor to his family for the first time. Only at that moment, it was one hundred times more nerve wracking with a child, a divorce and the fact that they hadn’t even labelled whatever it was they were doing. What was the label for a divorced couple who had had sex and admitted they loved each other and then not said anything more about it? 

_ A mess,  _ a voice helpfully said at the back of his mind. 

When they walked into the house, even Kevin could admit the way that his mom and Jack reacted to seeing Connor again was quite amusing. His mom gasped so loudly that she almost choked on air, and Jack burst into laughter so hysterical, that he started crying and had to leave the room. Kevin was just thankful that there was no sign of Isaiah, because he didn’t even want to  _ think  _ about what that conversation would be like. 

“C-Connor!” his mom exclaimed, “I, um...I wasn’t - I wasn’t expecting you, dear,” 

“Hi, Ruth,” Connor said, awkwardly waving from where he was standing in the doorway, “I wasn’t really expecting to be here, either but Kevin’s car is in the garage and, um-” 

His probably terrible excuse as to why he and Kevin were together was cut short by Aoife shouting for Kevin from the other room. He glanced over at Connor and jerked his head in the direction of the living room, slowly beginning to accept that there was very little chance he would be able to hide the fact that they were both there. 

Refusing to look at his mom or dad, Kevin brushed passed her and poked his head into the living room where Aoife was sat cross legged on the floor, tongue between her teeth as she scribbled in a colouring book. 

“Hey, kiddo,” Kevin said. 

Aoife looked up at him with her characteristically wide grin that was almost immediately replaced with a look of shock when her eyes fell on Connor. She squealed and jumped to her feet, trying her very best to wrap her arms around both Kevin and Connor, inadvertently pulling them both together. Kevin stumbled a little, only to be steadied by Connor’s arm around his waist - a simple action that was seemingly the cause of his face being a lot hotter than it had been moments before. 

“You’re both here! You’re both here!” Aoife exclaimed, giggling as Connor let go of Kevin in favour of picking her up off the floor and kissing her cheek. 

“Did you have fun at the sleepover?” he asked. 

Aoife nodded and immediately launched into her long and extremely detailed account of all the fun that she had had with her Grandparents and cousins. Kevin found that he couldn’t really focus on what she was saying, far too distracted by the quite annoying phenomenon of men becoming ten times more attractive when they were with children. And they were  _ definitely  _ more attractive when it was your ex-husband with your child.

Somehow feeling even more hot and wondering if heat stroke could be caused by ex-husbands, Kevin quietly slipped out of the living and answered Jack’s expectant look with a sigh. He was glad that, at the very least, his parents were in the garden, presumably discussing Connor. 

“Don’t ask,” Kevin muttered, hopping up onto the counter as Jack poured himself a glass of water. 

“I’m going to ask,” 

“Isn’t your kid around here somewhere?” Kevin asked, expecting Owen to appear out of nowhere and save him from an awkward conversation. 

“He’s napping,” Jack said, “Your cars in the garage, is it? Is that why you called  _ Connor  _ of all people to give you a ride and not me or Grace or Isaiah?” 

“It is actually in the garage,” Kevin said, glancing out of the kitchen window and making sure that both of his parents were well out of earshot, “but, um...Connor’s car was also in my garage last night,” 

Jack stared at him for a moment, and Kevin wondered if he was so Mormon that quite obvious innuendos went straight over his head. He was glad when Jack’s eyes widened in understanding, but only because Kevin didn’t much feel like saying, ‘we fucked and I don’t think we should have done’. 

“So are you...are you together?” Jack asked quietly. 

Kevin sighed, his eyes flickering in the direction of the living room where he could hear Connor talking to Aoife and making her laugh hysterically. He looked back over at Jack and shrugged. 

“I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it,” 

“Do you not think you should?” 

“It’s not that simple,” Kevin said, “We work in the same school and we have a kid and we’re divorced and-” 

“-the solution to that is sleeping with each other without talking?” 

Kevin tutted, “I know it’s stupid, alright? I don’t need anyone to tell me,” 

Just as Jack opened his mouth, probably to tell Kevin that he was stupid, Connor walked into the kitchen and they both immediately fell silent. Connor raised his eyebrows at them both, as though he knew exactly what they had been talking about.

“I’m gonna, um...I’m gonna go check on Owen,” Jack muttered before rushing out of the room. 

“Where’s Aoife?” Kevin asked. 

“Colouring,” Connor said, “Um...you’re not doing anything today are you?” 

Kevin blinked at him, “I don’t - I don’t think so. I have grading to do,” 

“Oh, because...Aoife wants to spend the day with us. Both of us, and I know it’s your weekend so-” 

“No,” Kevin said before he had even thought about it properly, “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” 

Connor frowned, “You  _ don’t? _ ” 

“No, I don’t. We should keep our lives separate. It’s worked for five years, hasn’t it? I don’t see why we should change something that’s working,” 

“You think this is  _ working _ ?” Connor scoffed, “We told each other that we loved-” 

“We didn’t,” Kevin interjected, “We’ve never said it face to face, not really. We said it without saying it,” 

The two of them stood there for a moment, as though daring the other to say it first. Kevin could feel it bubbling at the back of his throat, and he knew that if Connor said it first, he’d say it right back. When neither of them spoke, Kevin shook his head and turned away from him. 

“See? We can’t even say it to each other,” he said, “It’s not happening, and there’s no point in pretending that it will,” 

“So was last night just a reason for you to have sex?” Connor asked angrily. 

“No, we  _ were  _ going to talk about everything but you came up with the bright idea of going to your bedroom!” 

“You kissed me first!” Connor snapped. 

“You didn’t stop me!” 

“Neither did you!” 

“Well I’m saying no, alright?” Kevin said, slamming his hand down onto the counter, “I think we should stay away from each other. Colleagues, that’s it,” 

“Colleagues with benefits, you mean?” 

Before Kevin could snap back and reassure him that they were  _ never _ going to have sex again, his parents walked back into the room, blissfully unaware of the argument that they were walking in on. Connor cleared his throat and smiled over at them, forcefully reminding Kevin of the last months of their marriage that mainly consisted of them bickering and then trying their best to hide it from anyone who happened to walk in on them mid argument.

“Would you like to stay for lunch, Connor?” his mom asked. 

“Thank-you but I need to...I need to get off,” Connor said, eyes flickering over to Kevin, “Swamped with essays that need grading, as always,” 

“Are you sure? I can make you a plate if-” 

“Honestly, I should be going,” Connor said, “It was lovely seeing you both again” 

When he had finally left and Kevin had dragged himself back from the panic attack that had been lying low all morning, his mom turned to him with a grin that told him that she had massively misread the room. 

“I’m so happy you’re co-parenting in such a civil way,” 

“Yep,” Kevin muttered, “Co-parenting...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took longer than usual to come out, but thank-you for reading!


	7. (Not) Out-Out

Kevin had thought that when he went to school on Monday and Isla asked how his weekend had gone, he would embarrass himself by telling her _everything._ Instead, he had just shrugged and said that it was quite boring. He was even more shocked when Isla bought the lie and didn’t threaten to waterboard him until he told her exactly what had happened. 

He had also thought that when he and Connor turned up to school at the exact same time, he would have some sort of panic attack or breakdown. He certainly didn’t think that he’d greet him with a small smile and a cheerful, “ _Good Morning, Mr McKinley!”._ For once, it was Connor who was dealing with everything badly; he had blushed bright red and hurried into the school without so much as a second glance. 

None of this made Kevin feel good. For one, he didn’t want to be the reason that Connor was probably dreading coming to school everyday and secondly, it meant that his brain had completely closed itself off from feeling any sort of emotions. Or, so he thought. 

The fun thing about being a not-straight teacher was that he knew that most of the students speculated about his sexuality. He heard them whispering about it in the back of his classes when they thought he couldn't hear because _no straight man wears cardigans! That’s definitely a gay thing!_

At first, Kevin had found it offensive because he really didn’t think that it was anyone else’s business. Eventually though, he found it somewhat amusing because he had at least never heard any of them be outwardly homophobic _and_ no one had ever gotten it right. He had lost track of how many of his younger cousins had assured him that Gen Z was the most bisexual generation ever, so could not quite understand why not a single one of his students had ever worked it out. 

One thing that he discovered he couldn’t deal with, however, was his students knowing that he had been married once upon a time. 

Kevin had been enjoying teaching a lesson about different ecosystems until Michael, who was one of the kids who never knew when to shut up, took it upon himself to derail the entire lesson. 

“Mr Price, why did you get divorced?” 

Kevin’s hand slipped as he was writing on the whiteboard, “Pardon?” 

“Why did you and Mr McKinley get divorced? I saw a picture from your wedding on his Facebook,” 

Blood pounding in his ears, Kevin slowly turned around to face his class. He had never been the sort of teacher to start screaming at his students, but he had also never had any of his students ask him a question like this.

“Oh, are you still married? Because his Facebook says his single and neither of you wear wedding rings,” 

“Mine and Mr McKinley’s past is none of your business, do I make myself clear?” 

“Your daughters really cute-” 

“Do I make myself clear?” 

Michael held his hands up, “Alright! It was only a question!” 

“It’s not exactly relevant though, is it?” Kevin asked furiously, “and also _highly_ inappropriate,” 

Once Kevin had set his class work, he sat down at his desk and furiously typed an email to Connor. 

**_From:_ ** [ **_Kevin.Price@wesths.com_ ** ](mailto:Kevin.Price@wesths.com) ****

**_To:_ ** [ **_Connor.McKinley@wesths.com_ ** ](mailto:Connor.McKinley@wesths.com) ****

**_Subject Line: (No subject line)_ **

**_Setting your Facebook to private is a really good thing for a teacher to do._ **

**_From:_ ** [ **_Connor.McKinley@wesths.com_ ** ](mailto:Connor.McKinley@wesths.com) ****

**_To:_ ** [ **_Kevin.Price@wesths.com_ ** ](mailto:Kevin.Price@wesths.com) ****

**_Subject Line: RE: (No subject line)_ **

**_?????_ **

Once he was sure that his class was quietly working and that his laptop wasn’t connected to the projector, Kevin logged onto Facebook for the first time in seven years and almost had a heart attack when his profile picture was one of him and Connor _and_ his relationship status was still set to ‘married’. Deciding to worry about that at a later date, Kevin searched for Connor’s profile. Unsurprisingly, his relationship status was set to ‘single’ and his profile picture a sweet picture of him and Aoife. 

Glancing up at his class to make sure that no one was watching, Kevin scooted closer to his desk and started scrolling through Connor’s Facebook feed. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, really; a post declaring that he was still in love with him? Maybe a post telling all of his Facebook friends that he had made the biggest mistake of his life by getting a divorce? 

All he got instead was _a lot_ of pictures of Aoife being generally cute. Each one brought a smile to his face whilst reminding him that she had a whole other life and hundreds of other memories, none of which had anything to do with him. He paused on a picture of her with Chris and James. Chris was sat on James’ lap, and she was sat on his, the three of them staring at the camera with big, cheesy grin.

‘ _She actually calls them Guncle Chris and Guncle Jamie,’_ the caption read. Kevin snorted quietly and carried on scrolling. The rest of the posts were the same, until he came to one from their time in Uganda. He paused on it for a moment, a lump beginning to rise in his throat. 

_We left Uganda 10 years ago today!’_

Kevin covered his mouth with his hand as he stared down at this laptop screen, his bottom lip trembling. It was a picture of him, Connor, Chris, James, Arnold and Nabulungi, one he had never seen before. He couldn’t draw his eyes away from him and Connor, both wrapped up in each other's arms and Kevin’s engagement ring glinting in the sun on his left hand. 

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be that kid again, or find said kid and tell him how stupid he was being. He thought that he was edging closer to the former. 

By the time lunchtime had rolled around, he had snapped at almost all of his classes and would have liked nothing more than to hide away for the rest of the day. Thankfully, Isla had a lunchtime meeting which meant that he would be able have an hour of peace and quiet for once in his life. 

His dream of peace and quiet, however, was shattered when he noticed Connor awkwardly hovering in the doorway like a nervous student about to launch into a ridiculous story about why he hadn’t written the essay that Kevin had set weeks ago. 

“Hey, room for one more?” 

“Sure,” Kevin said, gesturing for him to sit down, “No Starbucks today?”

“Swamped,” Connor sighed, “My free period wasn’t really a free period,” 

Kevin nodded, “Yeah, and today’s biology lesson was almost a history lesson, but a history lesson about us. Please put your Facebook on private,”

Connor pressed his lips together and nodded, “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t think anyone would go down that far. I mean...it’s been like seven years, hasn’t it?” 

“Yeah, and kids are nosy!” 

“And you aren’t?” Connor snapped, “I just got a notification that you liked one of my posts from 3 years ago!” 

Kevin almost choked on his pasta, his cheeks heating up. Part of the reason that he had never stalked Connor on Facebook was out of fear that he would accidentally like a picture. Connor smirked at him as he took a bite out of his sandwich. 

“You could have just sent me a friend request,” 

“I was making sure that there was nothing else private on there!” Kevin exclaimed, “Someone asked me why we got divorce today!”

Connor rolled his eyes, “So you had to have one awkward conversation with a student about being divorced!”

Kevin glared at him for a moment and turned back to his lunch. Connor sighed and leaned back in his chair. 

“Look, I’m sorry,” Connor said, “Genuinely sorry. I wouldn’t want to have that conversation with a student. I don’t even like having it with Chris and James. And I’m - I’m sorry for sleeping with you the other night,” 

Kevin looked up and offered him a tiny smile, “I mean, it’s not just your fault. Your dick was in my ass just as much as my ass was around it,” 

“You could have just said that it takes two to tango,” Connor grumbled, wrinkling his nose. 

“Well, that is what gay sex is, Connor," 

Connor snorted and shook his head before they fell into silence again. Kevin sat back in his chair, very obviously staring at Connor as he ate his lunch. It was probably embarrassing, but one thing that he had missed about being married was just being in someone else’s presence, whether they were having a conversation or not. His favourite nights with Connor were never the date nights, or the nights when they had sex for hours on end, but the nights where Connor would read a book and Kevin would watch something on Netflix, the nights where they just _existed_ together. 

“Have I got something on my face?” 

Kevin snapped out of his stupor, feeling his cheeks heat up. 

“Sorry. Zoned out.” 

“You do that a lot,” Connor observed, “You always have. It’s because you think too much,” 

“I will stop thinking in future,” 

“Probably for the best, love,” 

Blushing even more at the pet name, Kevin looked back down at his pasta and started eating again despite the fact that he’d eaten more than enough. It seemed easier than actually talking to Connor. 

“You know, I was thinking-“

“So it’s okay for you to think but not me?” Kevin asked. 

Connor ignored him, “-that we could go out,” 

Kevin stared at him, his eyebrows raised, “ _Out?_ ” 

“Not like...out-out,” Connor said hurriedly, “I mean like - I dunno, we could take Aoife for a picnic? The weathers meant to be nice this weekend,” 

“Um-“

“Sorry, stupid question,” Connor muttered, “You said that you didn’t want to when we were at your parents so, um...never mind. Pretend I never said anything,” 

“N-No! It’s fine. I mean, I do. I do want to go out,” Kevin said quickly, “Yeah. That sounds...That sounds fun. I’d like that. And so would - so would Aoife,” 

Connor grinned at him, his entire face lighting up and Kevin was almost certain that his heart stopped beating for a minute. 

“Great! I’ll pick you up on Saturday. 12.30 okay?” 

Kevin nodded mutely as the bell rang. Connor jumped to his feet at once, still grinning like a child on Christmas morning and shouted something about how he’d see him soon as he left the room. 

Thankfully, Kevin was too distracted by his next class spilling into the room and shouting about how unprepared they felt for the test they were doing the next day to have a panic attack. 

* * *

Connor hadn’t said that it was a date - because what weirdos would take their _daughter_ on a date with them - but that didn’t stop Kevin from preparing like they were going on a date. He used all the fancy lotions that Harry always told him to use in the shower, reverted back to his nineteen year old self by spending almost an hour on his hair and changed his outfit three times. Not that he could be blamed, picnic dates were always their thing. So much so, that Kevin hadn’t been on a picnic with anyone since they got divorced. 

When Connor had text to say that he was outside, Kevin had already been waiting by the front door for almost an hour. He waited for a few extra minutes before he left the house, not wanting to look too eager. Catzilla seemed to know exactly what he was doing, and Kevin was sure that he actually nudged him in the direction of the door. 

Kevin stuck his head in the back of the car first, grinning at Aoife who grinned right back. 

“Hiya, sweetheart!” 

“Hi, Dada!” she said excitedly, “Missed you!”

“I missed you too,” Kevin said, kissing her forehead before getting into the passenger seat and smiling awkwardly at Connor, “Hey,” 

Connor snorted as he started to drive, “What, you’re not gonna tell me that you missed me?” 

“Mormons don’t lie,” 

“I can think of one million other things that you do even though Mormons don’t,” 

They were saved trying to awkwardly make conversation by Aoife incoherent babbling from the backseat. One of things that had surprised him most about being a parent was that he still didn't understand ‘toddler-speak’. He always thought that once he had children of his own, he’d be able to act as a translator between them and the rest of the world, but most of the time, he had no idea what Aoife was actually saying to him. Though he was sure that it was always something about ice-cream, a conversation that she had had with her teddy bears that morning or a conversation about ice-cream that she had with her teddy bears that morning. 

“Did you bring a picnic blanket?” Connor asked when he pulled up outside the park. 

“You told me not to bring anything!” Kevin exclaimed. 

Connor raised his eyebrows, “No, I didn’t. You told me that you had everything,” 

“No, you text me last night and said that you were going to bring everything!” Kevin said, “I swear to god, I’ll show you the text!” 

Connor cracked up as he pulled into the parking lot, “You’re so easy to annoy. I have everything, chill out,” 

It was easy to not have to worry about being awkward around Connor when the two of them were too busy worrying about making sure that Aoife didn’t gravely injure herself. It had been a closed adoption so not much was known about her biological parents, but Kevin was almost certain that they were athletes. Every 15 minutes, one of them was jumping to their feet to stop her from diving headfirst into the pond or to carry her away from a tree after she had tried to chase a squirrel up it. 

“Why don’t we sit down and _chill_ ,” Kevin said, carrying her away from yet another squirrel, “Daddy’s gone and got you ice-cream,” 

Once she was sufficiently distracted by ice cream, Kevin felt like he could relax. He stretched out on the picnic blanket, leaning back on his hands with his face turned towards the sun that was surprisingly warm for March. Connor, on the other hand, was lathering sunscreen on every half an hour and trying to stay as far away from the sun as possible. 

“How did you survive in Uganda?” Kevin asked, watching as Connor rifled around in his bag for another bottle. 

“I didn’t,” he grumbled, “I got sunstroke like 10 times, remember?” 

Kevin snorted, “How could I ever forget my tomato of a boyfriend?” 

Connor tutted in his general direction, leaning back on his hands, too. Kevin thought nothing of it at first until he felt the tips of Connor’s fingers brushing against his. Pretending to be more interested in a dog that was sniffing around nearby, Kevin moved his hand a little closer. He froze, for a moment, waiting to see if Connor was going to move away. When he didn’t, he took the leap of moving his hand right underneath Connor’s, smiling when he felt him squeeze gently. 

The moment was cut short by Aoife plopping herself in his lap, ice-cream all around her mouth. 

“I think there’s more ice cream on your face then there is in your tummy,” Kevin laughed, stomach flipping just a little when Connor scooted over to him so that he could wipe Aoife’s face. 

“Thirsty,” Aoife said, “Drink, please?” 

Kevin reached around Connor to grab her water bottle and, in turn, put his arm around him. Connor smirked and leaned into him even after he had moved his arm, seemingly quite happy to stay pressed right up against his side. Aoife grinned at them both as she drank her water, and Kevin was just pleased that she was still too young to understand that her dads might have been inching closer to something other than friends. 

The ever pessimistic part of Kevin’s brain, however, was telling him that perhaps this was a terrible idea and that he was not only setting himself up for more heartbreak, but Aoife, too. She had never known life with both of her parents together, and it felt cruel to let her enjoy something that might end up being ripped away from her. 

His fear only seemed to be confirmed when, even after they’d extended the not-date by taking her to a restaurant, she burst into tears after Kevin asked if she was looking forward to spending the night at his house. 

“So...no?” Kevin muttered, slightly offended as she bawled in Connor’s arms. 

“I d-don’t wa - want Da-Daddy to go to his h-home! W-Want him with u-us at your h-house, Dada!”

Kevin chewed on his bottom lip. Connor coming with them, to the house that they had lived in together when they were _married,_ seemed like a terrible idea and one that he should definitely say no to. The only problem was that Aoife already seemed to have worked out that if she pouted at her Dada sweetly enough, he would say yes to anything that she had asked for. 

“Sure,” Kevin said, reaching across the table and booping her nose, “If Daddy wants to stay at home with us,” 

Aoife looked up at Connor with wide eyes and smiled at him, “ _Pleeeease?”_

Kevin was just pleased that Connor also seemed to have the inability to say no to her. 

That pleased feeling only lasted as long as the drive home did. When they pulled up outside and Connor looked up at the house with raised eyebrows, Kevin realised how very strange it all was. He turned around in his seat to make sure that Aoife was still asleep before turning to look at his ex-husband. 

“I haven’t been inside for years,” Connor said quietly. 

“You don’t have to come in,” Kevin whispered. 

Connor shook his head, “It’s for Fifi,” 

Kevin nodded as he got out of the car, carefully taking Aoife into his arms. She whined a little at the sudden movement before nuzzling her face into his neck and starting to snore quietly. 

“I’ll take her up,” Connor said once they got inside, manoeuvring her into his arms. 

“Okay, her room is the second door on the-“

“I know, Kevin. I used to live here,” 

Kevin blinked at him and then nodded, quickly kissing Aoife’s cheek and whispering his good night to her even though he knew she wouldn’t hear. Connor smiled at him before disappearing up the stairs, leaving Kevin alone in the middle of the room until he heard an angry mewl from somewhere beneath the dining table. 

“Sorry, buddy,” Kevin said, crouching down in front of the table and trying to coax Catzilla out from underneath, “Did the stranger scare you? It’s okay, come on,” 

Catzilla meowed in response as he hesitantly made his way over to Kevin, dark eyes darting around the room. Secretly, Kevin had always loved the fact that he was the only human - apart from Aoife - who Catzilla actually liked. It made him feel special, even though it was perhaps one of the most depressing things about him. 

“Come on,” Kevin whispered, reaching out to to stroke his head, “It’s only me,” 

After a few more minutes of nervously looking around, Catzilla finally jumped into Kevin’s arms and clambered up to his usual spot on his shoulders, nuzzling his face against his ear. 

“I thought the cat was one of Aoife’s imaginary friends,” 

Kevin jumped and turned around, he had somehow managed to forget that Connor was in the house with them. Catzilla hissed and jumped back down into his arms, still hissing quietly.

“His name is Catzilla and he’s scared of humans,” Kevin said, “Apart from me and Fifi. Sometimes Brad,” 

Connor stared at him with one of his signature looks, the one that quite plainly said: “ _You’re out of your mind,”._ Kevin scowled and held Catzilla closer to him, scratching behind his ears. 

“Fifi loves him and so do I!” 

“So, um...the fact that he’s _ginger...”_

“Coincidence!” Kevin said quickly. 

“Sure,” Connor said, his eyes flickering over to the sofa, “Can I borrow some pyjamas? And a blanket?” 

Kevin cleared his throat and nodded, letting Catzilla climb back up into his shoulder, “You can - You can sleep in my bed if you want. The sofa is uncomfortable,” 

“Oh, no, I couldn’t. I’d feel bad if you slept down here,” 

“I meant - I meant with me...” Kevin said, cheeks heating up, “Cause it’s - it’s _really_ uncomfortable and I’m trying to not have a bad back,” 

Connor raised his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side a little, not giving anything away. Kevin bit his lip, wondering if maybe he’d misread signals that might have only existed in his head. 

“You want us to sleep in the same bed that we did when we’re married?” Connor asked in a slightly strained voice. 

“I got a new bed,” Kevin said. 

Connor shrugged, “It’s a technicality, but I won’t argue against it,” 

Kevin laughed awkwardly and quickly brushed passed him, desperate to get through the rest of the night without embarrassing himself. When he got into his bedroom and had coaxed Catzilla into jumping onto the bed, he grabbed his pyjamas and gestured in the general direction of his drawers. 

“Get whatever you want,” Kevin said to Connor,I’m gonna - Uh - I’ll get changed in the bathroom,” 

“The cats glaring at me,” Connor said. 

“He won’t attack you, don’t worry,” Kevin said, though he wasn’t entirely convinced that that was the truth. 

As Kevin changed into his pyjamas, he contemplated texting Brad or Isla and telling him that Connor was staying over _in his bed._ It was only when he realised that neither of them would be above turning up at his house that he decided if he ever told them, it would be at a much later date - and preferably when he and Connor were actually _together_ again. 

“Do you mind if I put my white noise machine - _oh_ ,” Kevin blushed bright red when he walked back into the bedroom to find Connor sat shirtless on his bed, “Sorry, I thought - I thought you were dressed,” 

“I don’t like sleeping with a shirt on,” Connor said. 

“Right. Yeah. That’s...That’s fine,” Kevin said, averting his eyes as he got into bed, “That’s...cool, yup, totally fine by me!” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as Connor shuffled closer to him, placing a hesitant hand on his thigh. The breath hitched in Kevin’s throat and he pretended to straighten Catzilla's already straight collar. Connor tensed beside him, and Kevin thought that maybe it was a good thing because he didn’t think that him and Connor having sex again would be a good idea.

As Kevin opened his mouth to suggest they go to bed, he felt a pair of lips on his neck, so gentle he might not have noticed if it weren’t for the fact that he was hyper aware of everything. He heard a moan, and it took him a minute to realise that it was _his_ moan because Connor’s hand had drifted up his thigh. 

“S-Stop,” Kevin choked out. 

Connor pulled away immediately, “Sorry. I thought...I thought...I think I misread the situation,” 

“You didn’t,” Kevin said quickly, “I just feel like Catzilla shouldn’t see this? I’ll feel weird if he’s watching. I’ll just move him and then we can, um, get to...you know... _it_ ,” 

Connor nodded, and Kevin could feel his eyes burning into him as he carried a now irate Catzilla over to the door. When Kevin placed him in the hallway, he hissed angrily, clearly unhappy with the fact that he was being replaced with the person that _he_ had replaced first. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Kevin said, “Go to Fifi’s room. I’m...busy,” 

Catzilla meowed at him and then tried to get back into the door, pushing his head against Kevin’s legs. 

“Don’t you want your dad to have a sex life?” Kevin asked angrily, picking him up and carrying him over to Aoife’s bedroom, “She’ll cuddle you. Off you go.” 

Kevin could have sworn he gave him a look of contempt as he pounced onto Aoife’s bed and curled up beside her. Rolling his eyes, Kevin walked back into his bedroom and was met with the rather enticing sight of Connor stretched out on the bed, resting his head on his when. 

“Were you just talking to your cat about your sex life?” He asked. 

“He’s a good listener,” Kevin said, gently nudging Connor onto his back so he could straddle him. He ran his fingers up and down his chest, frowning a little, “When did you start working out?” 

“Last year,” Connor told him, “Why? Are you complaining about it?” 

“Not even a little bit,” Kevin muttered, grinding his hips down, “I feel like riding-“ 

“Other way round,” Connor interrupted, “I topped last time,” 

Kevin’s shoulders sagged, “ _Whyyy?_ You’re better at topping than I am,” 

“Did I ever say anything about only doing one round? I’m more than happy to go for a second” Connor said, grabbing a pillow and propping it underneath his hips, “And it’s been a while,” he added. 

Kevin grinned and leaned down to kiss him, blindly reaching out to grab the lube, “Only two? You’ve gone soft in your old age, McKinley,” 

Connor’s only response was to raise one eyebrow ever so slightly, and Kevin was extremely pleased that he still knew exactly what to say to him to get his way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updates, but thank-you for reading!!


	8. Deflection

Kevin woke up the next morning to what he usually did - Catzilla pawing at his face and meowing in his ear. He groaned and went to roll over until he realised that he couldn’t because he felt a lot heavier than usual. Frowning, he looked down at his chest to see Connor snoring quietly, one hand curled around his shoulder and the other squashed at a crooked angle between them both. 

Surprisingly, he was less concerned about Connor being in his bed and more concerned about Catzilla, because he was almost certain that he had kicked him out of the bedroom last night and was momentarily concerned that he had developed superpowers. His already criminally insane cat having superpowers was a lot more worrying than the fact that he had slept with his ex-husband,  _ again. _

Catzilla meowed in his ear again, and nuzzled against his neck in a way that quite clearly said, “ _ We’re waking up now, dad, _ ”. Kevin carefully picked him up and put him on his stomach in the hopes that he’d go back to sleep. It worked for all of 30 seconds, before Catzilla turned his attention to Connor. Just as Kevin was about to drag him away because he did not think that being mauled by his cat would make Connor want to take him back, Catzilla started to gently paw at his face, meowing quietly. 

“Kevin, your son wants you,” Connor mumbled, extracting his hand from between them and stroking Catzilla’s head. 

“He’s...not trying to kill you,” Kevin said, genuinely confused at the fact that Connor's face was still intact. 

Connor opened his eyes and looked up at him, “You could sound a bit more happy about that,” 

“No, I mean - he usually...he usually doesn’t like new people,” 

Connor shrugged and moved to rest his head on Kevin’s shoulder, Catzilla immediately slipping into the space between the two of them. 

“We bonded last night when he wouldn’t stop scratching at the door,” Connor said, “I think he likes me because I let him in,”

“Ah,” Kevin said, “That’s how he got in. I was worried he’d developed superpowers,” 

Connor was silent for a moment and then looked up at him, “You’re so fucking weird,” 

Kevin rolled his eyes and absentmindedly scratched Catzilla’s head. Connor sighed and nuzzled his face into Kevin’s neck, rubbing his thumb over his jaw. 

“We need to talk,” Connor said, “because we can’t just keep on having sex,” 

“We could do both,” 

“Not when the cats here,” 

They fell into a silence that was only awkward because they both knew what it should have been filled with. Kevin was justifying not talking about it -  _ them  _ \- because he didn’t want to have a serious, possible life-changing conversation when he was naked and Catzilla was with them. It wasn’t the sort of thing that his son needed to hear. 

He carefully wiggled out from underneath Connor and pulled on his jogging bottoms and Connor’s t-shirt (which was  _ definitely  _ an accident, because he  _ had not  _ been eyeing it since he had woken up). He turned back around to face his ex-husband and offered him a small smile in apology, because he had already decided that they weren’t going to be having the conversation that they really needed to.

“Breakfast?” Kevin asked, as though the five different flavours of pancakes he could make would be a good enough distraction. 

“What about  _ talking _ ?” 

“Breakfast,” Kevin repeated, “I’ve gotten really good at pancakes,” 

Connor sighed, “Fine. Breakfast,” 

Kevin did feel a  _ little  _ guilty for constantly deflecting, especially considering that that moment was the best time for them to talk; not only did they both seem to be on the same page (even though Kevin still couldn't shake the feeling that this was all wishful thinking), neither of them had anywhere to be that day and, judging by the way she had been snoring when he had gone to check up on her, Aoife was going to be sleeping for another hour. 

That didn’t mean they _had_ to have a conversation, though. Talking and feelings were overrated, and talking about feelings was a scam made up by therapists who charged far too much just to spend an hour a week giving Kevin sympathetic looks and writing him another prescription for meds that never worked. 

He was so lost in his spiral that he didn’t even feel Connor’s arms around his waist, or his lips on the back of his neck before he gently pointed out that if he didn’t flip the pancake over now, he’d burn it.

“Lost in thought,” Kevin muttered. 

“Whatcha thinking about?” Connor asked in a voice that suggested that he definitely knew what he had been thinking about. 

“Got tests to grade,” Kevin lied, “Almost forgot about them,” 

“Have you ever considered that having feelings isn’t a weakness?” 

Kevin clenched his jaw, his hands shaking slightly as he placed Connor’s pancake on a plate, “Do you want a coffee?” 

“Kevin,” Connor said firmly, “I’m not going to spend the rest of my life sleeping with you if it doesn’t mean anything,” 

“Who said it didn't mean anything?” Kevin asked quietly, placing Connor’s plate in front of him without even looking at him, “Coffee? Juice? Water?” 

“Can you start talking to me like we know each other instead of acting like you’re my waiter?” 

Kevin tutted and busied himself with the coffee machine. If there was one thing that had always bothered him about Connor, even at the best of times, it was the way he always seemed to disregard the fact that there were some things that Kevin didn’t like to talk about. Everything had to be talked about, in great detail, no matter how uncomfortable it made him feel. 

“What do you want me to talk to you about?” Kevin asked angrily, turning back to face him. 

“You know exactly what!” Connor snapped, “I already said that we can’t just keep on having sex!” 

“Okay, and I agree!” Kevin exclaimed, “Is that not enough?”

“No,” Connor said, “It’s not  _ nearly  _ enough. We’re not kids anymore, Kev! We  _ have  _ a kid! We used to be  _ married!  _ There’s - There’s so much more we need to talk about! Do you wanna get married again? Are we ever gonna live together again? When are we gonna tell Aoife? And your parents? What about Chris and James? Arnold and Naba?” 

Kevin turned to face the coffee machine and squeezed his eyes shut. The prospect of going back to how things were before the divorce was beyond overwhelming; family dinners with his parents, having a triple date with their friends, waking up next to each other every morning, maybe even getting married, possibly having more children...

And he wanted that,  _ so badly.  _ He just didn’t want to lose it all over again. 

He heard Connor tut and his knife and fork clatter against his plate as he dropped them, still asking all the questions he couldn’t face answering. Kevin did his best to ignore him, hoping that the frantic beating of his heart would be enough to drown him out, but his voice seemed to be getting louder and louder. 

_ Why can we not just talk about things like a normal couple? Why do we have to dance around everything? Do you know how easier it would be if we just talked to each other? If you didn’t constantly push people away?  _

“I can’t!” Kevin yelled, still unable to face him, “I can’t talk about it, I’m sorry! Either - Either stay with me now or just - just go home,” 

The sound of Connor’s chair scraping across the floor, followed by the sounds of his car keys jingling as he stormed out of the house brought Kevin back to his senses. Something told him that if Connor walked out of that front door, he’d never come back again. 

“Con! Connor! Wait!” 

He darted out of the kitchen and into the living room where Connor was pulling his shoes on, muttering angrily under his breath. 

“What do you want, Kev?” Connor sighed, “I’m tired. I want to go home,” 

“ _ Wannagoonadatewithme? _ ” 

“Did you just have a stroke? I don’t know what you said to me,” 

“Date,” Kevin said as a wave of nausea washed over him, “Me and you. Just me and you, without Fifi. Like...in a restaurant. Maybe...Maybe dating again would be a good idea? Instead of...Instead of jumping straight back in?” 

Connor narrowed his eyes, and Kevin bit the inside of his lip. Maybe Connor had wanted to jump right back in, and skip all the awkward first couple of dates that they had been able to when they had first started dating. Or maybe Connor’s patience had run dry, and he had gotten over him in the short time it had taken him to walk from the kitchen to the living room. 

Just as Kevin opened his mouth to say that it didn’t matter, and that he hoped they could carry on being civil work colleagues at the very least, Connor grinned at him and Kevin was sure his heart stopped beating for a few seconds. 

“Okay,” 

Kevin blinked at him, “Okay? Okay as in...as in you will go on a date with me?” 

“Next friday?” Connor asked, and it was annoying how suave he was. 

“Uh, y-yeah. Sure. Next friday. I will...I’ll book somewhere nice,” Kevin said. 

He watched, ever so slightly confused, as Connor kicked his shoes off again and sank back into the sofa cushions. Thankfully, his brain managed to shut him up before he stupidly asked ‘Are you not going home?’ because  _ obviously  _ the only reason that Connor had been going on in the first place was because he had been being a dick. And now that he  _ wasn’t  _ being a dick, he didn’t want to go home. 

(The horribly romantic part of his brain was telling him that Connor couldn’t go home because  _ this  _ was his home, but Kevin very quickly shut that down.) 

“Wanna make out before Aoife wakes up?” Connor asked. 

“Yup,” Kevin said, grateful that, as well as being extremely enjoyable, making out didn't include talking about their feelings. 

* * *

Kevin tried his very best to not focus on the fact that the butterflies that were floating around his stomach after Connor had left were the exact same as the ones that he felt after their first kiss. It wasn’t a bad thing, he  _ knew  _ it wasn’t a bad thing, having Connor back in his life, but he was still happy to dwell on the fact that their second break up would probably be worse than their first. 

To distract himself from all the happiness that he would no doubt ruin for himself, he sat in the back garden and tried to grade some papers whilst Aoife splashed around in her paddling pool, the weather still surprisingly warm. Isla would have probably said that it was a sign from the universe, he was pretty sure that it was just climate change. 

And it was actually relaxing, until it wasn’t. 

“What the  _ heck  _ are you doing, Kevin Price?” 

Kevin yelled and almost spilled his drink down himself, glaring over at Chris and James as they inexplicably stormed into his garden. As soon as Aoife caught sight of them, she hurried over to them, clearly unbothered about soaking them with water. 

“Did I - Did I invite you over?” Kevin asked with a frown. 

“No,” Chris snapped, handing Aoife over to James and storming over to him, “but I have a bone to pick with you,” 

“Sorry, you can’t just walk into my house unannounced!” 

“I walked into your garden, not your house,” Chris said, sitting down next to him and fixing him with a glare that had him fearing for his life, “What are you doing with Connor?” 

“I’m not having this conversation with Fifi here,” Kevin said quickly. 

“She’s distracted by James,” 

Kevin looked over his shoulder to see James lay on the grass as she climbed all over him, both of them giggling hysterically. He sighed and turned back to Chris, shrugging his shoulders. 

“I don’t see how it’s any of your business,” 

“It’s my business when my best friend is hurting because all you keep on doing is having sex with him!” Chris snapped, “You can’t just keep on sleeping with him!” 

“You do realise that it takes 2 people to have sex, right?” Kevin said, “And it’s - it’s only sex! We’re both adults and-” 

“It’s not  _ only  _ sex though, is it? Because it’s with your ex-husband! He hasn’t slept with  _ anyone  _ since the divorce!” 

“ _ No one? _ ” 

Chris groaned and mimed strangling him, “You’re a dick,” 

Kevin slumped in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. He had gotten so caught up in worrying about how  _ he  _ had felt about them sleeping together, that he hadn’t even thought about how Connor might have felt. The fact that Connor hadn’t slept with anyone since the divorce didn’t make him feel any better. 

Connor had gone out of his way to make sure that he had felt comfortable, but had Kevin done the same? Was he just as bad as all the other people who he’d slept with who never bothered to check how he was feeling beyond listening to how loud he was moaning? 

“I know you’re emotionally unavailable and can separate sex from love, but Connor can’t, alright? You were his first  _ everything  _ and the divorce broke his heart. He’s never really recovered,” Chris said, his voice softening. 

“I don’t know why everyone acts like I was the villain in the divorce,” Kevin said quietly. 

“Because you make it really easy to, buddy,” Chris said, “You pushed James and I away, you pushed Arnold and Naba away, you pushed  _ Connor  _ away after you promised that you wouldn’t!” 

Kevin looked away from him and tried to pretend that he was interested in his grading, which only lasted as long as it took for Chris to land an incredibly painful kick to his shin. Furious, Kevin turned to glare at him, only to stop when James appeared behind Chris and put his hand on Chris’ shoulder. 

And not for the first time, Kevin was sure they were telepathic; Chris immediately jumped up and went to watch Aoife whilst James dropped down in his vacant seat. He wondered if he and Connor were ever like that, and if they would ever get it back. 

“Chris isn’t trying to be mean. He’s overprotective,” 

“I know. He’d kill someone for Connor. Probably me,” 

“He’s overprotective of you, too,” James said, “Even if he doesn’t show it,” 

Kevin scoffed and shook his head. Chris Thomas was many things, but overprotective of him was not one of them. Kevin often thought that Chris had never really grown to like him, even after they had left Uganda. If it weren’t for Connor, they’d probably never have even associated with each other. 

“Fine, if you won’t believe that Chris cares, can you at least believe that  _ I  _ do?” James asked, “this is what sucked about the divorce, man. I miss you! You stopped returning my texts, never called, never visited...”

“I didn’t - I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me anymore,” Kevin muttered, “I thought you were only friends with me because of Connor...” 

“I know you struggle to understand that people love and care about you, but we do, alright? And Chris, even if he’d throw himself off a building before admitting it,” 

Kevin looked away as his cheeks heated up. Had he known that sleeping with Connor again would mean he had to confront his feelings not only for his ex-husband, but his ex-friends too, he probably never would have done it in the first place. It was hard; he wanted Connor back, he wanted  _ Chris and James  _ back, he just wished that he could get what he wanted without having to vocalise it. He was also sure that this made him a terrible person, because why should he expect people to change their entire lives without giving them a reason for it? 

He heard James sigh, but still couldn’t bear to look over at him. Partly because he found the whole thing so  _ embarrassing,  _ but also because James had been right in Uganda when he had told them both that getting married young was stupid. 

“We’re going on a date, so it’s not like we’re not trying! It’s just hard, because of Aoife...I don’t want to get her hopes up,” Kevin said quietly, “Or...Or my own, really...I know everyone seems to think that I was the bad guy in this divorce, but I got my heartbroken, too! I’m - I’m still heartbroken! I mean, I’ve slept around a bit but I’ve never had a stable relationship because I’ve never gotten over him! I - I don’t want to get over it!” 

As soon as Kevin finished speaking, he was furious with himself. He wasn’t sure what it was about James, but he always managed to make him speak about his feelings. Something that even Connor hadn’t always been able to get him to do when they had been married. 

“We’ve all known you long enough to know that you and feelings don’t mix well,” James said, “It’s not like this is something that we’re all only discovering about you now, and I don’t think that Connor wants you to change your entire personality, but I think you can at least talk about this one thing, right?” 

“You say ‘one thing’ like it’s an easy conversation! We’re not talking about what we’re having for dinner, we’re talking about getting together again after a  _ divorce _ ,” 

“And it’s probably going to be a really shitty, really awkward conversation but don’t you want that? Don’t you want  _ him _ ?” 

Kevin’s cheeks flushed again and he nodded, tears stinging his eyes. He was not sure that he would ever be able to describe how much he had missed Connor or how much he really regretted the divorce. 

“Sorry,” James whispered, “I didn’t mean to upset you,” 

“‘s fine,” Kevin mumbled, hastily wiped his eyes, “I just wish that we’d have worked through stuff instead of jumping straight to divorce,” 

“You can’t change it,” James said, “You have a chance for a fresh start, don’t throw it away,” 

“Maybe we should have just got married instead,” Kevin said, glancing up at him, “Since you always manage to get me to talk,” 

James rolled his eyes, “It’d never work. We both like being the little spoon too much,” 

“Is that a euphemism for something else?” 

“Your words not mine,” 

When Chris and James left, and took Aoife with them because she hadn’t had a ‘Guncles’ day for months, Kevin took a moment to revel in the fact that he actually felt  _ better.  _ Sure, Chris was as scary as he had always been, and James managing to get him to talk about things he didn’t like talking about always pissed him off, but even he couldn’t deny that he felt like the world on his shoulders felt a little lighter. 

So much so, that it even gave him the confidence to call Connor, and tell him that he already missed him, and that he couldn’t wait for their date. 

“Are you drunk?” Connor asked. 

Kevin laughed, “No, I just actually miss you. Is that allowed?” 

“Yes, because I miss you, too. You’re just...being affectionate,” 

“I’m not that cold hearted!” 

“I know, sweetheart,” (and Kevin was man enough to admit that the nickname made his heart leap), “but sometimes you have as much affection as a brick wall,” 

“I actually wanted to, um...I wanted to...uh...talk to you about something,” he cleared his throat, “Look, Chris and James came over to - to, well...I think Chris just wanted to yell at me a bit and he...he said that you’ve not, um..not slept with anyone since we got divorced...” 

“Okay...” Connor said slowly. 

“Sorry,” 

“For my embarrassingly depressing sex life?” 

“No!” Kevin said quickly, “I mean for...for...not realising? Or not - Or not checking in with you like you did for me! I’d never forgive myself if you felt uncomfortable or like you didn’t  _ want  _ to have sex with me,” 

“You’re sweet,” Connor said, “and panicking over nothing. I  _ wanted  _ to have sex with you, Kev,” 

Kevin let out a sigh of relief and collapsed backwards onto his sofa. He could not think of anything worse than having sex with someone who wasn’t one hundred per cent up for it. He wasn’t sure he’d have ever been able to leave his house again if Connor had admitted to him that he hadn’t been sure he’d wanted to have sex. 

“Are you sure?” Kevin asked, his anxiety creeping up on him again, “Cause I don’t want to be that person,” 

“You’re not that person, I promise,” 

“Okay,” Kevin muttered, “And, uh...I - are you mad at me?” 

“Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you?” 

Kevin was glad that they were having the conversation over the phone so that Connor wouldn’t see how bright red his face had turned. 

“That I’ve...That I’ve had  _ sex _ with...with other people,” he practically whispered the word sex, like it was something that he should be embarrassed about. 

Connor was silent, and for a moment, Kevin thought that he was mad before he burst into laughter so loud that he had to hold the phone away from his ear. 

“Jesus, Kev, we’ve not been together! I can’t get mad at you for something you did when you were single!” Connor exclaimed before his voice lowered, “but I gotta ask...did anyone live up to my standard?” 

If possible, Kevin’s cheeks heated up even more, “Uh...n-no. I’ve had to, um...fake it, a few times,” 

He could practically hear Connor smirking down the phone and he covered his face with a cushion, even though he knew that no one could see him. 

“Well, I know you didn’t fake it both times with me,” 

Kevin frowned, his curiosity getting the better of him, “How?” 

“Cause you do this really cute thing where you try and hold me really close to you, and no one can fake the way your body shakes,” Connor said flippantly, “I think about it all the time,” 

“This was supposed to be an innocent conversation!” Kevin exclaimed, shoving the cushion to the floor so he could fan his face with his free hand. 

Connor giggled, “Well, would you like to carry on having an innocent conversation or would you like to have phone sex? I don’t think we’ve ever done that before,” 

Kevin was already rushing up to his bedroom and unzipping his jeans before Connor had even finished speaking. It was only after they were finished and Kevin was lay panting on his bed that he realised that Connor had deflected in that conversation just as much as he usually did. He hoped that Chris had yelled at him just as much. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates!! I sorta fell out of love with this, and then I had the bright idea to change my entire life in the middle of a global catastrophe and got a bit distracted by that lmao. 
> 
> Anyway, thank-you for reading!! I feel like I've gotten back into the swing of things with this fic now, so updates shouldn't be -as- drawn out!!


	9. Last First Date

Kevin had spent the whole weekend worrying about their date, only to remember that he would have to see Connor everyday leading up to it when he walked into his classroom and found him sitting at his desk. 

“You’re an English teacher,” Kevin said stupidly. 

“Aw, you remember,” 

“This is a science classroom,” 

Connor rolled his eyes, “I’m sorry. Do you want me to go?”

“N-No,” Kevin said quickly, realising that since they were technically  _ seeing  _ each other they would actually have to...see each other, “No, I just...I need to feed my fish,” 

Connor rolled his eyes again and jumped up from the chair to give him room to actually get to them. He was even kind enough to listen to Kevin’s unprompted lecture all about his fish. It was only when he was stopped mid sentence by Connor’s lips on his that he realised that maybe he hadn’t been so happy to listen to how Basil only liked a particular brand of fish food. 

“We’re in school,” Kevin muttered, pulling away. 

“It’s 7.30,” Connor said, picking him up and sitting him on the desk, “It’s fine. Your door doesn’t have a window, 

“Did - Did you just  _ pick me up _ ?” Kevin asked as Connor settled himself between his legs. 

“I work out,” 

“I’m a grown man!” 

“And I’m a grown man who works out,” Connor said, twirling Kevin’s tie around his finger, “Can we make out, please?” 

“We’re in school,” Kevin said again, though he made no attempt to push Connor away from him as he leaned in. 

“It’s 7.30,” Connor whispered. 

Everything that was happening - Connor’s lips on his, his legs wrapped around Connor’s waist, Connor’s fingers curled around his tie - was against everything that Kevin believed in. His personal life had  _ no  _ place in school, Connor McKinley had  _ no  _ place in his personal life, and combining the two was like putting metal in a microwave. Only Kevin and Connor were the metal, the microwave was their lives and the explosion that followed left irreparable damage. 

It was at this point that Kevin realised he should probably put himself back in therapy because he wasn’t sure that anything that went through his mind was a normal thought process whilst doing something as fun as making out. 

“Hey, Kev, do you have any spare coffee because -  _ oh my god _ ,” 

Kevin yelled and shoved Connor away from him, quickly withdrawing his legs from around his waist and turning to look at the door. Isla was standing in the doorway, her eyes wide and cheeks tinged pink. 

“Coffee is in - in that cabinet next to you,” Kevin said weakly. 

Connor raised his hand in a silent greeting, his other hand over his mouth as he tried (and failed) to stifle his laughter. He had always dealt with getting caught much better than Kevin had, always managing to find the funny side. Kevin was just glad that neither of them were on their knees. He wasn’t sure that poor Elder Michaels had ever recovered from walking into Connor’s office at the wrong time. 

“I feel like I’ve just walked in on my parents,” she said. 

“Hilarious,” Kevin said. 

“That actually was quite funny...” Connor whispered. 

“ _ Soo,  _ you guys are like... _ on  _ then?” she asked, taking her sweet time in getting the coffee out of the cabinet, “Does that mean that my time with you is less now? Cause you and Connor need time to... _ canoodle _ ,” 

“We were not  _ canoodling! _ ” Kevin exclaimed, “We were just - we were - why are you still here?” 

“I was here for coffee but now I’m here to watch you die of embarrassment,” she said happily before gasping and looking over at Connor, “I don’t think we’ve ever met properly! Hello, Mr McKinley, I’m Miss Rodriguez, art teacher and Kevin’s only friend,” 

Connor had the nerve to actually shake her hand, “Lovely to meet you, Miss Rodriguez,” 

“You’re not my only friend,” Kevin mumbled. 

“Your fish don’t count,” Isla said, “So, the gossip is what? What’s been happening in the land of Mr Price and Mr McKinley? The land of  _ Pickinley _ , if you will. Is this a friends with benefits situation, an  _ actual  _ relationship, a-” 

“Isla, the door is behind you,” 

“The door behind me also locks,” she said, “Which might be something you want to utilise,” 

Connor collapsed backwards onto Kevin’s desk chair, shoulders shaking with silent laughter, and Kevin was debating calling the whole thing off just so he’d never find himself in a situation like this again. Or maybe he would ban Connor from so much as  _ looking  _ at him when they were in school. He shuddered at the thought of a  _ student  _ walking in on them, and how quickly that would probably spread through the school. 

“Can you please just get out of my classroom? And also not talk to me for the rest of the day?” 

“No can do, Mr Price!” she said brightly as he backed out of the room, “We both have free periods this morning  _ and  _ I volunteered to help you with the Sex-Ed talk this afternoon,” 

“Why would you do that?” Kevin asked, “I don’t need help!” 

“You’re currently canoodling a man so I thought that we needed someone to help with the female side of things,” 

“I’m bisexual!” 

“I think you once asked me the best way to go down on a woman because the last woman you’d been with hadn’t com-” 

“ _ See you later, Isla! _ ”

She left the room with a shriek of laughter that could be heard echoing down the hallways. Kevin wasn’t entirely sure how he was going to get through an entire Sex-Ed talk with her stood next to him. He would, at least, have to stick to the Mormon-friendly PowerPoint that the school provided. As a Scientist, that angered him. As someone who had just been caught making out with his ex-husband, he couldn’t be happier. 

“So, um...going down on women isn’t your strong suit?” Connor asked lightly. 

Kevin turned to glare furiously at him, “You’re gay, you don’t get an opinion,” 

Connor snorted, “It’s cute that you had to ask for advice,” 

“You and your limp wrist stay out of this,” 

Connor laughed and picked up his hand, “Sorry. Me and my limp wrist will never again mention the fact that you can’t make women co-” 

“Let’s carry on where we left off,” 

“Is this your way of telling me to shut up?” 

“Yep,” Kevin said, wasting no time in locking the door. 

* * *

Kevin felt like he was 19 again. The looks that Connor flashed him when they passed each other in the corridor were the same as the ones he’s used to when they passed each other in Kampala, and the butterflies that Kevin felt hadn’t changed either. They had also fallen back into the unfortunate habit of making out with each other whenever they could, and spending the night when they probably shouldn’t.

It wasn’t quite the same as it had been in Uganda - spending the night together was much easier when they had their own houses, it wasn’t illegal, and they didn’t have the Church breathing down their necks. 

“I’m gonna go home and get ready, but I’ll meet you at the restaurant?” Connor said to him at the end of the day on Friday, “Where did you say we were going?” 

“Takashi,” Kevin said, sliding his laptop into his bag, “It’s that sushi place. It’s nice, I’ve been before,” 

Connor raised his eyebrows, “Oh, did you take someone else there? Is that where you have all your first dates?” 

“N-No! I, uh - I went - I’ve never - I brought - I -” Kevin spluttered, feeling his cheeks heat up, “I went with Isaiah, Grace and Jack!” 

Connor giggled and leaned over the desk to kiss him, “You’re cute,” 

When he had left and Kevin had just about managed to quell his first panic attack of the evening, he raced upstairs to the art department. He burst through the door and regretted it almost immediately, she was teaching her after school art class for Freshmen's and one poor girl actually screamed at him. 

“Mr. Price!” Isla exclaimed, putting her hand to her chest and smearing her t-shirt with blue paint, “Is everything okay?” 

“Yes, sorry, I - I forgot you had...you had this,” he said, “Uh, can I - can I have a word, please?” 

She frowned at him but nodded, telling her students to quietly get on with her work before ushering him out of the classroom. 

“Are you having a panic attack?” 

“How did you know?” Kevin asked. 

“Cause 9 times out of 10 you are,” she said with a shrug, “What’s up?” 

“Will you, um - will you -  _ don’t laugh,  _ but will you help me - and seriously, don’t laugh, but can you help-” 

“I will help you get ready for your date,” she giggled, “I’ll come find you in your classroom when I’m done here. I won’t be long,” 

Back in his classroom, Kevin took apart and re-assembled his mouse close to fifteen times and told his fish  _ exactly  _ how he felt about going on this date. He was excited,  _ of course  _ he was excited, but that didn’t stop him from dwelling on the fact that going on a date with his ex-husband was more than a little strange. 

Perhaps he should just move on from Connor. Being stuck on the same person for so long was definitely unhealthy, especially when they had a child together. He couldn't imagine telling Aoife they were together again only to have to break her heart when they inevitably broke up again. It seemed like the perfect storyline for an episode of Dr Phil, and Kevin was actively trying to avoid being torn apart by Dr Phil on national television. 

Before he spiralled even more and did something stupid like cancel the date, Isla poked her head around the door. 

“Ready?” 

“I think I’m gonna throw up,” 

“I think you need to grow up,” she muttered. 

Isla seemed to talk _at_ him, rather than _to_ him, on the drive home. He didn’t trust himself to not start crying, vomit or ramble about Connor if he opened his mouth and just nodded along to everything that she was saying. Something about her ferrets medical bills, how her department's funding was being cut _again and_ how a sushi restaurant seemed like a strange place for a date. 

“W-Why?” Kevin asked, “What’s weird about it?” 

"Fishy breath,” she said. 

Kevin scrunched his nose up as he pulled up outside his house, “Maybe I’ll get the vegan option then,” 

"Okay Mr. Chicken Tenders,” Isla snorted, “What are you even gonna order?” 

Kevin’s eyes widened, “I don’t - I don’t know. I can’t - I can’t remember what I ordered when I went last time, I’m not even sure I  _ liked  _ it. Oh no, oh no, oh no,” 

“It’s only sushi, I’m sure-” 

“N-No,” Kevin said, gripping onto his steering wheel, “I - I can’t. I can’t - I can’t go. I’m gonna have to - I need to call him and tell him that I can’t go. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I mean, I don’t even like having  _ cheese  _ on my burgers never mind - never mind  _ sushi _ ,” 

“Okay, okay, okay...” Isla said soothingly and in the same voice that she used to calm panicking freshmen on their first day of school, “What we’re gonna do is calm down, then we’re going to go inside and text one of your siblings to find out what you ordered and then you’re going to have a really good date, okay?” 

Kevin nodded in agreement, but only because he knew that she’d probably try and do something horrible like hug him if he shook his head. In reality, he knew that he wasn’t going to calm down or find anything nice on the menu or have a good date and then he would probably die alone and his cat would eat his decaying corpse. 

His anxiety only worsened when he stepped into his living room to find  _ a  _ man sitting on his sofa, drinking a glass of wine and stroking his cat. Kevin’s scream mingled with Isla’s, the mans  _ and  _ Catzilla who launched himself underneath the kitchen table. Kevin was considering joining him until he realised that the man, who was now glaring furiously at him, was Brad. 

“Are you insane?” Brad snapped. 

“You’re in my house!”

“Because you told me to meet you here today!” Brad exclaimed, “and I text you before to say that I’d be here early!” 

Kevin blinked at him, some of his anxiety fading away when his brain caught up with everything that was happening, “I - I forgot...” 

“Hi!” Isla said brightly, “I’m Isla,” 

“Oh! _ ”  _ Brad exclaimed, jumping to his feet, “So  _ this  _ is your lesbian friend. I never thought I’d be able to meet her!”

“So is this your first boyfriend?” Isla asked happily. 

“First friend, first crush, first boyfriend, first kiss-” 

“First murder victim,” Kevin mumbled, crouching down in front of the table and coaxing Catzilla out from underneath, “Hey, buddy...sorry for yelling. Didn’t mean to scare you,” 

By the time Kevin had convinced Catzilla that he wasn’t going to start yelling again and he was happily purring in his arms, Brad had poured Isla a glass of wine (that he had not bought) and they were both in a fit of giggles over something - presumably something to do with him. Kevin stood and stared at them, impatiently tapping his foot and wondering how best to throw them both out of his house. 

Too many separate parts of his life were coming together, and it was against everything he believed in. Isla and Brad weren’t meant to know each other, Connor wasn’t meant to be in his life again, and neither Isla nor Brad should have known that Connor was back in his life. 

“I don’t - I don’t think I’m gonna go on this date,” Kevin said, gently placing Catzilla on the floor, “This is a bad idea, it’s all a bad idea. I’m gonna call him and say that - say that I can’t go and that we shouldn’t see each other again and then-” 

“Woah, woah,  _ woah _ ,” Brad said, “You just go and get in the shower and I’ll pick out an outfit for you,” 

“No, I really don’t think I should go,” Kevin mumbled, “I don’t want to. I think it’s a bad idea and-” 

“-and I think you’re trying to self sabotage because it’s easier than being hurt by Connor,” Brad said, shoving him towards the stairs, “Go shower,” 

Kevin briefly considered bringing a toaster into the shower with him but eventually decided against it. When he stood in front of the mirror in his bedroom and wearing the outfit that Brad had picked out, he massively regretted the decision. 

The shirt was one that Brad had convinced him was nice but had never left the hanger, and the jeans were far too tight and definitely ones that he had worn when he was younger and fitter. 

“I feel like my jeans are pushing my dick inside me,” 

“That’s bad for a date,” Isla said. 

Brad rolled his eyes, “They make your ass look good,” 

“This shirt is...flashy,” 

“It’s a white shirt with yellow stripes, Kevin. It’s not quite Elton John,” Brad said impatiently, “You look good! Want me to paint your nails?” 

Kevin ignored him in favour of collapsing backwards onto his bed and throwing his arms over his face. Maybe if he lay there for long enough, Isla and Brad would forget he was there and then Connor would forget he ever existed and he could live as a hermit and never have to show his face again. He’d have to let Aoife come and visit him, of course, and perhaps his mom at a push, but no one else. He could live like that. In fact, that was his ideal life so he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t done that yet. 

“I don’t know why you’re acting like you’ve never been on a date before,” Isla sighed. 

“I’ve never been on a date with my ex-husband,” Kevin said, resigning himself to the fact that his dream lifestyle would have to stay as a dream. 

“Technically you have,” Brad pointed out, “Or else you wouldn’t have an ex-husband in the first place,” 

“I don’t like dates,” Kevin said, “and I don’t like being divorced, so going on a date with the person that I’m divorced from-” 

“But if you don’t go on a date with the person that you’re divorced from, how are you gonna stop being divorced from him?” Isla asked, “Also, Jack said you had a rice bowl. You eat rice, don’t you? Or can you only eat chicken tenders?”

“Maybe they could put chicken tenders  _ in  _ the rice bowls,” Brad said thoughtfully, “and some vegetables, because I don’t think you eat enough of them,” 

Kevin groaned and rolled over onto his front, thinking that perhaps Isla and Brad would find it easier to forget him if they didn’t see his face. For the last week, Kevin had felt 19 again and that alone should have been enough to send him running in the opposite direction. Being stupidly in love at the age of 19 had ended in heartbreak, and he knew that being stupid in love at the age of 31 would end the same way. 

Before Kevin could tell Brad and Isla that he definitely was  _ not  _ going on the date, they had dragged him off the bed and shoved him down the stairs. 

“I really don’t want to,” Kevin said, trying to dig his heels into the ground, “I don’t think I should. Hey! Why don’t we all have a girls night and-” 

“Don’t try and lure me in with a girls night, Kevin Price,” Brad snapped, punching him in the arm before his voice softened, “ _ Why  _ are you so intent on ruining everything for yourself?” 

Kevin sighed and ran a hand through his hair, averting his eyes, “I want this to be my last first date. I’m tired of being lonely...” 

“If you want this to be your last first date, then you need to  _ go on the date _ ,” Isla said.

After a shot of whiskey and a promise to tell them  _ everything  _ that happened when he got home, he called a taxi and tried to force his brain to be somewhat positive for once. The last week  _ had  _ been good, because they were good together - and who they were at the age of 19 were very different to who they were at the age of 31. 

By the time the taxi pulled up outside of the restaurant, his anxiety had melted away. For once, he wasn’t thinking about all the horrible things that could happen, he was thinking about how excited he was to see Connor, and how he was looking forward to eating now that he knew that there was Kevin-friendly food on the menu. (A rice bowl with chicken in it was as adventurous as he was prepared to go, but it was a significant step up from chicken tenders). 

His freedom from anxiety was short lived when he realised that it was 7:31 and Connor was nowhere to be found. Sure, he was only one minute late, but that would turn into two minutes, and then three minutes, and then four minutes, and then a text telling him that he didn't think they should see each other again and- 

“Hey,” 

Kevin jumped and spun around, coming face to face with a grinning -  _ glasses wearing  _ \- Connor. His mind immediately went blank, and he couldn’t seem to do much but openly stare at his ex-husband. He had never thought that Hawaiian shirts were particularly attractive, but Connor wearing one had managed to convince him that perhaps they were. 

“Kev?” Connor said, waving his hand in his face, “Have you malfunctioned or something?” 

“S-Sorry,” Kevin said, snapping back into reality, “Sorry, I was just - I was...you look nice,” 

Connor beamed, “At least you think I do. Chris said I looked like I was dressed 5 years too young,” 

Kevin forced a laugh as Connor took his hand and started walking towards the restaurant entrance. His anxiety had made it’s grand return, and it felt like it wasn’t going to disappear again anytime soon. He didn’t even notice that they were sat down until a waiter had dropped a menu in front of him and asked for his drink order. 

“Oh, uh-” Kevin stuttered, “I’ll get, I’ll, um - I’ll get-” 

“Why don’t we do cocktails?” Connor suggested. 

Kevin nodded, “Good idea. I’ll - I’ll have whatever you’re having,” 

When their drinks had been ordered, Connor nudged Kevin’s leg under the table, “Hey. If this is too much for you, we can cancel and-” 

“N-No, it’s fine,” Kevin said quickly, cursing his voice for shaking so much, “It's fine. I’m fine. Just...first dates are weird. Well, sorta first dates. Whatever this is,” 

Connor smiled at him, “Do you remember our first date in Uganda?” 

“Stargazing, wasn’t it? Behind the hut?”

“Yeah, and you got bit to death by mosquitos,” Connor laughed.

“I didn’t think that we were going to end up here,”

“Yeah, neither did I,” Connor muttered. __

Once Kevin had reminded himself that he was only talking to Connor (and had a few sips of a cocktail), he began to feel at ease. There were no sweaty palms or rapidly beating heart, just a nice conversation with someone he wanted to be with, someone he  _ loved  _ \- even if admitting that to himself somehow felt premature. 

And it was probably the cocktail that spurred him to ask the sort of question that was probably off-limits for a first date - and  _ definitely  _ off-limits for a first date with your ex-husband. 

“What do you think went wrong?” 

Connor hesitated for a moment, eyes falling from Kevin’s face to his plate. He chased a sushi roll around his plate with his chopsticks before looking back up at him. 

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “Sometimes...Sometimes I wish you’d cheated on me or hit me or given me some real, tangible reason for a divorce,” 

“We just fell out of love,” Kevin said, hurt that Connor could think such a thing, “And we were young and stupid. We were  _ kids _ ,”

“Yeah,” Connor said with a sad smile, “That and I don’t think you were ready to be in love. You were still homophobic,” 

Kevin jerked his head back, “I - I thought I made it obvious that I loved you...” 

“You did, in all your weird little ways but...” he trailed off and shrugged, “I always felt like your dirty little secret. Even when we were married,” 

“I don’t know what you mean,” 

Connor shook his head, “It’s a weird time to talk about it, we can-” 

“I’m not homophobic,” Kevin said, “Why would you - Why would you say that? We were  _ married _ . We’ve had sex like three times this week. That’s really gay!”

“I think a lot of it is internalised and-”

“Who made you my therapist?” Kevin asked angrily. 

Connor sighed and dropped his chopsticks to his plate, “You can’t ask for my opinion on something and then get angry when I give you my opinion,” 

“I think I have the right to be angry when you tell me I’m homophobic!” 

“Let’s just change the subject and talk about something else-” 

“If you can bear talking to someone who is  _ so  _ homophobic,” Kevin muttered angrily, stabbing a piece of chicken with his fork. 

“If you’re gonna act like a child, I’m gonna go home,” 

“Fine,” Kevin said, “I wouldn’t want you to be at risk of a hate crime,” 

Connor glared at him for a moment before jumping to his feet and snatching his jacket off the back of his chair, “You’re fucking infuriating,” 

What had happened didn’t quite register in Kevin’s brain until a waiter came over and kindly asked if he’d like to take his leftovers home. He mutely shook his head and dropped some money onto the table before hastily leaving, unable to look up from the floor as he went. 

By the time he got home, his face was wet with tears that he hadn’t even realised he had been crying. He muttered his thanks to the taxi driver and dejectedly made his way up the driveway, beginning to think that he really would die alone and Catzilla really would eat his decaying corpse for survival. 

“Kev?” 

Kevin started at the sound of his name, his neck snapping up. He squinted through the darkness, wondering if loneliness could conjure up a mirage because he knew there was no way that Arnold and Nabulungi were standing outside his front door. The last time Arnold had texted him, they were in Thailand. 

“Is he broken?” Nabulungi asked, cocking her head to the side. 

“Arn?” Kevin whispered, realising that his (ex?) best friend was in fact standing in front of him, “What are - What are you doing here?” 

Arnold grinned, “I haven’t seen my parents for a while and, uh...Chris called,”

“Chris? Chris as in Chris Thomas Chris? As in Chris and James Chris?” 

“Yeah, he said that...he said you’ve been having a bit of a hard time?” 

“No,” Kevin said, “No, I’m - I’m fine. Everything is fine,” 

Nabulungi raised her eyebrows, “You sure?” 

Kevin stared between the two of them for a second before his bottom lip started trembling and his throat tightened. Arnold sighed and tugged the house keys out of Kevin’s hand and threw an arm around his shoulder. 

“Come on, buddy,” he said gently, “We’ll sort this out...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankss for reading!!!!!


	10. Always the Bridesmaid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii, I know that is has been literal months since I updated this but I got distracted by other fics but I am here finally and I swear to god I will finish this fic even if it is the last thing that I do lmao 
> 
> Also, slight trigger for panic attacks and the book thing, but it's nothing too serious I promise! <3

Kevin was too exhausted, too _hurt_ to question why Arnold and Nabulungi were in his house, or indeed the country. When Arnold had unlocked the front door and gently ushered him inside, Kevin immediately collapsed onto the sofa and covered his face with a pillow, like that would somehow make him invisible. Arnold sighed, hesitantly putting his hand on Kevin’s arm and tugging until he pulled the cushion from his face, though he still turned his face away, ignoring his gentle chiding to look up at him. 

It was _embarrassing._ He was 31 and Arnold and Nabulungi were still dropping everything to come and comfort him like they used to in Uganda. Kevin would never forget how, before he and Connor were together, Nabulungi would sit with him for hours whilst he sobbed about whatever was weighing on his mind that day, and how Arnold would try and distract him with comics or books or theories about Star Wars until the early hours of the morning because he was too scared about what nightmares sleep would bring. 

Though perhaps nothing was more embarrassing than the fact that his date with his ex husband had failed because apparently he was _homophobic._

A scream yanked him out of his thoughts and had his neck snapping up. Nabulungi ran from the kitchen, her eyes wide like she had seen a ghost. 

“Why the _fuck_ did your cat just try and scratch my eyes out?” she demanded, “I was looking for wine and he dived at me!” 

“Sorry,” Kevin mumbled, jumping to his feet and hurrying into the kitchen to retrieve Catzilla from the table where he was still hissing in Nabulungi’s general direction, “He doesn’t like strangers,” 

“We shouldn’t be strangers,” Nabulungi pointed out. 

Kevin scowled, stroking a now-content Catzilla who he was beginning to think was the only person in his life who wouldn’t disappoint him. 

“You two started travelling the world,” he shot back, “it’s not like I can jet off to some random beach in Spain for a catch up,” 

“No, but you could reply to our texts, you could pick up the phone when we call,” Arnold said, the unusual voice of reason. He paused before adding, “You could also tell us what's going on,” 

Kevin squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to break down in front of them and look as fragile as he actually was. 

“We were on a date,” he whispered, “Connor and I,” 

He didn’t have to look up to know that Arnold and Nabulungi had exchanged the same anxious glance that they usually did when he was around. He groaned, feeling increasingly ridiculous in his stupid yellow shirt and too-tight jeans. He had never missed his cardigans so much in his life. He’d stepped out of his comfort zone for it to blow up as spectacularly as it always did. 

“And-?” Nabulungi prompted. 

“I think I’m gonna be lonely forever. I don’t think I’m ever going to find someone who loves me like Connor did ever again. I don’t think I’m ever gonna love someone like I loved - like I _love_ Connor again,” 

“Kev, maybe - maybe Connor just isn’t the one for you,” Arnold said gently, “I know letting him go won't be easy, but he isn’t the only person who is ever going to love you,” 

Kevin thought that was a little rich coming from someone who had never been through the painful process of falling out of love and had found the love of his life earlier than many could dream of. 

“I think you’re stuck on the fairy-tale of marrying your first love,” 

“It’s not that,” Kevin mumbled, “It’s _him._ He is - He is the only person in the world who - who makes me feel so completely safe and makes me feel like something other than the worthless piece of shit that I actually am!” 

Nabulungi sighed, “You should not have to rely on Connor or anyone else to make you feel like you’re worth something,” 

Kevin did not have the energy to try to explain that he wasn’t just hanging onto Connor for the sake of hanging on. And he wasn’t sure if the cocktails had turned his brain to mush, or if the way Connor smiled at him really was as special as the way he thought it was. Maybe he had become blinded by a quick moving love that made him feel like a teenager again, or maybe the way Connor held him was different to the way other people did. 

He thought about that a lot, perhaps more than was healthy, but there was just _something_ about the way Connor held him. It was careful, yet every touch was deliberate and purposeful. Connor hugged like he was never going to let go, and it had always been like that. He remembered the first time Connor had ever hugged him; it had been somewhere around 6 AM and Kevin had not slept for 15 hours, his insomnia dragging him outside into the cool morning where nightmares couldn’t touch him. Connor had stumbled upon him before his morning jog and asked what he was doing up so early in that voice that was a cross between exasperation and genuine worry. Before Kevin had been able to get a hold of his emotions, he had burst into tears and was suddenly telling Connor _everything._ He had listened, so patiently, and at the end of it all, asked if he could hug him. It might have been less about the hug and more about the fact that he had _asked_. 

Kevin looked up at Arnold and Nabulungi and realised he’d never been able to explain it, and even if he could, they’d never understand. 

* * *

Connor did not call or text, so neither did Kevin. He just began the long road to accepting that maybe it was over after all, and maybe he should really start to move on from him. Arnold and Nabulugni were a welcome distraction at least, and so was apartment hunting with them after they had decided to finally settle down in Salt Lake. Kevin couldn’t help but feel like they were doing it just because they felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to be alone, but he appreciated it all the same. Besides, he felt sorry for _himself_ and didn’t want to be alone. He also didn’t want to start sleeping around again, but Grindr might have magically found its way onto his home screen again, because at least then he could hide his feelings in between someone else's sheets. 

Thought, the thought of doing that was very quickly killed when Kevin answered the door on Sunday night to Connor, Aoife sleeping peacefully in his arms. Kevin tried to speak, but was quite distracted by Connors arms, his glasses, and the annoying phenomenon of men becoming more attractive with children. 

“We went to see Chris and James,” Connor said, breaking the silence, “They tired her out. They always do,” 

Kevin nodded, silently holding his arms out and _not_ blushing when Connor’s hands brushed over his arms as he handed Aoife over to him. 

“All her stuff is here,” Connor continued, handing him her overnight bag, “and also whatever crap Chris and James bought her. They spoil her,” 

Kevin nodded again, looking down at Aoife and then back up at Connor, “Uh, Arnold and Naba are here if you - if you wanna come in and see them...” 

Connor visibility tensed, and Kevin inwardly cursed for asking such a stupid question. Their eyes met for a moment before Connor looked away, running a hand through his hair. 

“I - I shouldn’t. Gotta be up early in the morning and - well...Arnold doesn’t shut up, does he? I’ll...I’ll call tomorrow and...and see if they want to go for lunch or something,” 

“Y-Yeah, you’re right,” Kevin mumbled, “So I guess...I guess I’ll - I’ll see you at work tomorrow?” 

Connor nodded, “Yeah, I’ll...I’ll see you then,” 

If it hadn’t been for the fact that Aoife was sleeping so peacefully and the fact that Arnold and Nabulungi were in the living room, Kevin might have burst into tears as soon as the door shut in his face. 

* * *

“So, how did it go?” 

“ _Jesus fucking Christ!”_ Kevin yelled, stepping foot into his classroom and immediately being accosted by the brightly coloured blur that was Isla jumping up and down in front of him, “What are you wearing?” 

She took a step back from him and twirled around, the many layers of her skirt swirling in a mess of colour and her outrageous earrings - today in the shape of coffee cups - bouncing from her ears. 

“Do you like the skirt? I made it myself.” 

“Yeah. I can tell,” 

Isla scowled at him, “I refuse to have my fashion insulted by someone wearing a _cardigan_ ,” 

“Whatever,” Kevin said, dumping his bag on the floor with a lot more force than he had intended to. 

“Oh no,” Isla said softly, “Oh no, it was - it was bad, wasn’t it?” 

Kevin shrugged and muttered something non-committal underneath his breath as he rummaged through his desk drawer for fish food. Really, he should have known that Isla was going to be waiting for him and should have planned what he was going to say in advance - something that wouldn’t make him sound as heartbroken and as bitter as he was. 

“Kev. Tell me,” 

He didn’t say anything as he sprinkled food into Basil’s tank, watching as he flitted around to eat it all. 

“We had an argument,” Kevin said finally and without looking up at her, “A _stupid_ argument and he stormed off,” 

“About-?” 

Kevin clenched his jaw and looked up at her, “He called me homophobic and I got offended because I’m _not_ homophobic, I mean how - how could _I_ be homophobic? I’m bisexual! And I was married to a _man._ The only person I’ve ever had a relationship with is a _man_ and I’ve been _sleeping_ with this man for _weeks_ and he - he - I have a child with him! How does that make me homophobic? I couldn’t be less homophobic if I tried!” 

“Did he - Did he not mean in the internalised sense?” Isla asked quietly, “you never told anyone here that you’re bi before you had to. You didn’t tell me for _weeks_ ,” 

“Sorry, am I meant to come out to every single person I meet?” 

“No! Of course not but...it’s just surprising it took you so long to tell me, that’s all...you knew I was a lesbian, you knew I wouldn’t freak out about it and you...you still didn’t tell me,” she said, “So I - I don’t think he’s _wrong_. I think you’re still embarrassed by it,” 

Kevin flopped down into his chair, scrubbing a hand over his face and slowly coming to the realisation that perhaps his meds weren’t enough to keep him on track anymore, and that therapy might be what he really needed. 

“My parents sacrificed so much when they accepted him into the family. They were shunned by their ward and I - I threw it back in their face when we got divorced,” Kevin whispered, “and I’m just embarrassed by that. I just wanted it to work. I wanted to have him back,” 

“Relationships are overrated,” 

“Shut up. You’re with your college sweetheart,” 

Isla cleared her throat, looking uncharacteristically awkward of all a sudden as she shifted in the chair. Kevin straightened up in his chair, leaning forward slightly and staring at her with narrowed eyes. 

“What?” he asked, “What is it? Have you - Have you broken up?” 

She shook her head and slowly raised her left hand, not quite looking him in the eye. He raised his eyebrows and sat back in his chair. 

“Engaged?” he asked in a hushed voice. 

She nodded, “She asked on Saturday and I didn’t want to - didn’t want to rub it in cause-” 

“-I spent my Saturday crying about my ex-husband whilst you were busy getting engaged?” 

“Yeah. That,” 

He chuckled and grabbed her hand, looking down at the ring - it was rose gold with a pearl surrounded by diamonds. He looked up at her and smiled, squeezing her hand. 

“Congratulations. I’m really happy for you,” 

She finally grinned at him, reverting back to her usual excitable self, “ _Sooo,_ you’ll be my man of honour?” 

Kevin raised his eyebrows, “You want _me_ to be your man of honour? Do you know what it means? I’ll have to come wedding dress shopping with you and plan your bachelorette party and make a speech and-” 

“We’re doing a joint bachelorette party, you don’t need to do anything but turn up for _at least_ half an hour, “ she said, “So...you’ll do it?” 

Despite socialising being his idea of torture and weddings being his worst nightmare, Kevin found himself agreeing to be her man of honour. He couldn’t help but wonder if he’d forever be stuck as the man of honour, and never be the groom. 

* * *

There were few things Kevin prided himself on, but one thing that he could do better than anyone was avoid his problems, and so he went almost an entire week without seeing Connor in school. He spent his day holed up in his classroom, only his classes and Isla allowed in or out, and then he would rush from his classroom to his car at the end of the day without running into him. 

And he thought that perhaps he would make it to the weekend without seeing Connor until he got a phone call from Aoife’s pre-school during what he had hoped was going to be a relaxing free period. 

“I don’t want you to panic Mr Price, but we’ve had to take Aoife to hospital,” 

“Well now I’m panicking!” he exclaimed, his mobile almost slipping out of his fingers as his brain jumped to the worst conclusions possible, "Is she - Is she okay? What happened?"

"She just fell over and hit her head, I think she'll need stitches. Can you come to the hospital?"

Kevin felt like using the word _just_ when talking about his daughter hitting her head and going to hospital was a terrible attempt to make it seem like not at all a big deal. All anxiety about having to face Connor was swept from his brain as he jumped to his feet, only to be replaced with a fresh wave of anxiety about his baby girl being in a hospital all on her own. 

Completely disregarding the fact that he was in the middle of teaching, Kevin burst through Connors classroom door, almost tripping over his own feet and falling into the front row of desks. 

“And here, Lady Macbeth is - um, can I help you?” 

“Can I have a word, Mr McKinley?" he asked hastily, 

The class immediately erupted into laughs and wolf whistles, only to be swiftly shut down by Connor. 

“ _Behave_.” 

Kevin blinked at him, wondering if the divorce would have ever happened if he had seen Connor be a hot teacher before. He was pulled out of his thoughts by him shoving him through the door and snapping his fingers in his face. 

“Can I help you? I’m a bit busy, working and such. Shouldn’t you be doing the same?” 

“Uh, it’s - it’s Aoife. She had a fall at school and they, uh - they had to take her to the hospital because she hit her head and there’s nothing to - to panic _apparently_ about but we need to - we need to go,” 

Connor had always been calmer in the face of an emergency and would quickly take control in an attempt to take some of the pressure off Kevin. It hadn’t worked when they were younger, and it _certainly_ didn’t work where their child was concerned. His brain was filled with unwelcome images of her in a big scary hospital, all alone and crying out for them both. 

Kevin did not really pay attention to much as Connor gently guided him down the corridor with a hand on the small of his back. He was somewhat aware of him organising cover for the rest of their classes with Martha and then offering to drive, but found it was difficult to focus on much but Aoife and how scared she probably was. 

“You don’t have to come in,” Connor said quietly when they pulled up outside, “I know you don’t like hospitals,” 

Kevin shook his head and silently got out of the car, fingernails digging into his palms as he followed Connor into the Emergency Department, doing his very best to ignore the doctors and the nurses who were rushing around the place. Connor put his hand on the small of his back again, whispering that Aoife was going to be fine and that they would all be out of there before they knew it. 

He still said nothing, even when a nurse led them into the room where Aoife was. He hovered at the very end of her bed, convinced that if he took another step then the doctors would decide that he needed admitting for the night. Connor, at the very least, was able to act like both a functioning human and perhaps more importantly, a functioning father. He immediately climbed into bed next to her and put his arm around her, gently pulling her hair back to look at the stitches on her forehead. Kevin flinched and looked away, palms getting sweaty as breathing became more and more difficult. 

“I’m just gonna - I’m gonna go get some - water,” Kevin mumbled, “Sorry, I’ll be - be back in a - in a second,” 

He quickly ducked out of the room, almost keeling over as his breathing became more and more strained. When he closed his eyes, he was back there; the humid air laying heavy on his skin, the unrelenting pressure in his backside, Gotswanna _laughing_ and his throat and nostrils burning from the amount of times he had vomited. 

Suddenly, there was a hand on his back and he jerked backward, almost tumbling straight to the floor because _surely_ it was Gotswanna telling him he needed another X-Ray, another check up, another- 

“Kev - Kevin, I need you to look at me. Can you do that for me?” 

He frowned at the floor, realising that that wasn’t a Ugandan accent but one that was much closer to home, perhaps one that _was_ home. He blindly reached out and grabbed Connor’s shoulder as his vision began to blur and his chest got tighter and tighter. 

“Kevin, you’re okay.” Connor said, “No ones going to hurt you. You’re safe. It’s only me. Tell me my name,” 

“W-What?” Kevin gasped, “What?” 

“My name, Kevin,” Connor repeated gently, “What’s my full name?” 

“U-Uh, C-Connor Cillian McKinley,” Kevin whispered.

“And what’s our daughter called?” 

“Aoife May Price,” Kevin whispered, his hands slipping down from Connor’s shoulder to his hand. 

Just as he felt himself calming down, someone called out for an X-Ray and he let out a dry sob, desperately trying to gasp for breath.

“N-No, No,” Kevin whispered, “I need to - I need to go,” 

“Kevin, listen to me. You’re okay. You’re safe. No ones gonna hurt you. I’ve got you. It’s okay,” Connor said, “Tell me what organ systems there are,” 

Kevin squeezed his eyes shut, he could hear the buzz of the X-Ray as though it was happening again, could feel the pain inside of him, felt his stomach twist in embarrassment as Gotswanna laughed at him. 

“The organ systems, Kev. What are they?” 

“Uh - Nervous, Respiratory, Endocrine, Digestive, Muscular, Lymphatic, Immune, Cardiovascular, Urinary, Reproductive, Skeletal,” 

And what’s the biggest organ?”

"The um, the - uh - the biggest - uh, skin. It's skin,”

On and on they went until the ED swam back into focus and Kevin came to the horrific realisation that he and Connor were _holding hands_ and their faces were too close together for two divorcees. At once, Kevin dropped his hands and took a step back, running a shaking hand through his hair. 

“I don’t know what you’re doing but you need to stop. You made your feelings very clear,” 

Connor raised his eyebrows at him, “I apologise for _helping_ you through a _panic attack_ ,” 

“I wasn’t having a panic attack!” 

“Oh, so you were just hyperventilating because it’s a fun thing to do?” 

“Fuck off,” Kevin snapped, shoving passed him to go and check on Aoife.

She appeared to be fast asleep, head lolled to the side and snoring ever so slightly. His eyes flickered from the bed and to what he recognised to be the X-Ray machine, almost backing out of the room again until he heard Connor walk up behind him, and he _wasn’t_ going to let him know that he was as unstable as he obviously thought he was. 

Slowly, and feeling very much like he was about to walk to his death, he climbed onto the bed next to her and carefully maneuvered her so she lay against him. He stayed still as she shuffled around in the exact same way Connor did when he tried to get comfortable against him, eventually settling on climbing right on top of him. He let out a breath that he had not meant to hold and carefully brushed his fingers through her hair, eyes flickering up to where Connor was standing. 

“The doctor said we’ll be able to go soon,”

“Good,” Kevin said, looking back down at her, “I think she might have earned a McDonalds after this,” 

Connor chuckled, “I’ll drive you and then drop you at home. Unless - Unless you need help looking after her for the night?” 

Kevin shook his head, knowing exactly what that ‘help’ would turn into and knowing that even he had a limit for ignoring their problems with sex. 

“I’ll be okay,” he said, “Arnold and Naba are at home. They’ll be able to look after her when I’m at work tomorrow,” 

A look of what might have been hurt flickered over Connor’s face but he managed to hide it, giving what Kevin recognised to be a forced smile and sitting at the very edge of the bed, running his hands up and down his thighs. 

“You’re a good dad, Kev,” he said quietly, “she’s lucky to have you,” 

Kevin unwittingly tightened his arms around her, still overwhelmed with that same love and joy that he had been five years ago when the adoption agency had called to tell them there was a little blonde baby girl waiting for them. 

“Nah,” he said, “I’m lucky to have her. We both are,” 

Connor smiled again, though this time it was much more genuine, “She’s the only thing we didn’t fuck up, right?” 

Kevin looked up at him, if he looked closely enough, he could still see Elder McKinley; fresh-faced and naïve and finally free from the constraints of the church that had given him nothing but a burden that was too heavy for a nineteen year old to bear. And Kevin couldn’t help but feel like he’d fucked up Elder McKinley in that foolish attempt of a relationship and, by extension, had fucked up Connor McKinley for the rest of his life. 

“Yeah,” Kevin said quietly, “She’s the only thing we didn’t fuck up,” 

Connor’s eyes turned sad, and Kevin couldn’t help but feel like they were saying good-bye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading! Like I said, I promise I am going to finish this but it just got put on the backburner because I'm very easily distracted by other things, but I am going to make a real effort to start updating more! <3


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